Sunday, August 30, 2009

The depth of my personal introspection (#212)

Today is a liberated day for me. I can now sense that I have moved on from a place that held anxiety and deep-seated emotion. We have heard the word catharsis lately in America's political debate. The word catharsis means a purification, cleansing or clarification. I mean to use it's terms purification and cleansing. Yesterday I had the opportunity to bring closure to a subject of intense personal interest to myself. I was able to locate and visit at the grave site of my biological father who died when I was 6 years old, 47 years ago. I had not seen him for 48 years, when he left us to start a new life with someone else. I will not go into all the years of emotions and assumptions I had about my worthiness or my value, but I will try to sum them up with the concept that I was ashamed and angry with what I perceived as my beginning in life. Over the decades I have found that my worthiness is not predicated on other people"s actions but upon my own. Although I still harbored anger toward him I was able to function with the living in a respectful and happy way. When this opportunity came up for me to find and visit his grave, I knew deep within me that I needed closure on the anger I still unconsciously hid as an old friend. When I was alone standing over his grave my heart melted away like the young child I was when he left us and I began to tell him that I love him today and I was always wrong for being angry with him and was no longer. I asked for his forgiveness and apologized for expecting him to be something he obviously could not become. My Father took his own life, How he came to that I will not ever know but for me to carry his burdens was wrong. Today I love my deceased Father and love my living Step-Father. It is amazing the power of love when we just allow it to be.

1 comment:

Geri A said...

This is something that I, too, have to face: letting go of anger directed at my dead father. I've chosen to write a letter to him which I will read at his grave site. I plan to do this alone; it is between me and him. My timing is in a couple of months, mid-October, when I visit my mom. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it; I've not processed my feelings past terror at the things he did to my his family. I need also to acknowledge the shame we felt around his drinking, the brutality and sexual abuse, the poverty and hiding. Once these things are out of my heart, perhaps I can be graced with forgiveness. I am reaching out to friends — you, Lanie & Shirley — who have similarly faced forgiveness rituals. Many other friends accompany me on my path, adding humor and impetus as I begin to waiver. I ask for your guidance and patience as I go forward. I suspect I will sometimes test your forbearance with my self-pity and reluctance to move forward. After all, this angry fault-line has defined my relationship with my father for sixty-plus years. Your story of visiting your father, your simple way of telling him what you needed to say, give me a sense of reality. This is something I can — and should — do. Gratefully, G