Saturday, July 16, 2011

The hardest thing I have ever done is nothing (#897)

I have worked as a underground copper miner, a framing carpenter/sheetrock hanger and tree logger. But in all that strenuous activity, I have found something that is even more trying on my soul, doing nothing. In particular I am talking about something that has captured me so utterly that doing nothing about it is excrutiating. It is an emotional destiny that I recognize but can do nothing about. A matter of the heart. I have come to understand a process that fulfills my ideal of fate, it must be pure and not manipulated. This process must come from outside of me and inside the other. The great romantic I have come to embrace for myself. I have had lesser in relationships, manipulated to fit my desire yet, over a short period of time, I had come to recognize that without a pure connection, without influence, no relationship I have had could be sustained. I know that the path I have come to walk is very unlikely to bring me fulfillment but it is the true way for me and I will live with the consequences. Even talking about it here seems a violation of the true nature of providence, however I feel a need to be up front about this today. My soul is wrestling more today than normal and that is why I am opening up somewhat. I have found that self expression of my own struggle in life at times can be a release of some sort which gives me greater perspective and understanding about my emotions. I will continue on in my life regardless of what the final outcome of it will be but know this, I am no different than anyone else when it comes to establishing a foundation for myself that I must never allow myself to go below. I feel better now just having gotten that out and I thank the Universe for allowing me the chance to feel like a human and even talk about it.

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