Sunday, August 21, 2011
Words come and go but the feeling stays the same (#933)
I have had some experience with this and I expect I will always have experience with this. I don't know for certain but so far nothing convinces me that what I feel will just fade into something else. I know in my past I have ignored and masked my feelings in ways that diminished my feelings but once again out from under the cloud of illusion, there they were. I guess even I can chuckle at my own naivete in thinking I could make things disappear through my own personal will power. I feel the way I do because that is what has happened to me in my life. I can't control what and who affects me. I can deal with it and make logical assumptions about alternatives but still within me is how I feel. I also have come, over time, to realize that there is no rhyme or reason to expectations or whether or not I deserve something. Just because I feel something does not mean that it matters to anyone else. All I can do is move forward in time with some hope and the knowledge that I know who I am. The rest will be what it is and I just have to appreciate that. Life is complicated and full of logic and emotion. Both logic and emotion are the twin paradigms that create most of the friction and angst that I experience here in this reality as a human being. I am struggling with how I feel and what reality is. I know that everyone of us has this type of internal conflict when we know what we want/need and the impossibility of it coming to fruition. Disappointment, get used to it. lol. Just because something doesn't happen doesn't mean that I have to see it as negative. Even in a world that is unsure about concepts like providence and coincidence, there does remain the fact that I get to feel and that is what I need to focus on and not so much the outcome of that feeling.