Saturday, September 1, 2012

On the subject of love (#1310)

Most uncomfortable post I have ever made. lol. First the qualifiers, I have never been married nor even properly engaged to a woman for the purpose of marriage. Now to be clear there were two times that I actually obtained a ring and was answered with a "yes" when I asked them to marry me. However, things from that point on went sideways and neither illusory engagement lasted more than a few weeks. I have been under the impression that I was the underlying cause of both reversals and nothing to this day makes me change that assumption. If that doesn't tell you that I know little to nothing about what love really is then you are in the same predicament that I am. I know that I felt love for each woman at the time of the relationship. I had an eager will to spend the rest of my days with no other than her. Yet, once I got past the actual asking, the will to become one changed to a doubt about whether I really wanted this particular woman after all. Nothing about her, either one of them, changed it was me that suddenly realized every little thing about them that bothered me. I ended up creating a mountain out of a molehill and then let that come between us. I did that to them and to myself. Was it fear or was it doubt about not waiting for a perfect love to come into my life, I don't know. I caused pain to those other women because I was not committed enough to let our love grow even more. I don't know if I have changed but just the thought of finding someone new who feels about me the way I would feel about her has made me overly cautious. I want love in my life and hopefully some day soon I will have that and then, third time is the charm, it may well happen for me since this time I know to expect more from myself and a greater respect for the woman who actually would love me. 

1 comment:

Blissful Banter of a Creative Crafter said...

I think That post in itself shows a maturity. I wish you all the happiness, and luck in finding that worthy woman.