Not only do I feel at peace for just a little bit but I am not feeling worse or ambivalent. My life has to matter to me and the quality of my life has to be how I measure it. The more doing good is how I get to more peace. I am a bit older now and having some peace in my life is a great priority. I know when I was younger I didn't care much for peace, I was chasing excitement. But beneath that chasing excitement was a care for doing good at the same time. Now I try to avoid excitement and just focus on the doing good. It allows me to move beyond my present and into my future with greater hope.
I know this is an odd post this morning but it does reflect somewhat the mixed emotions I have within me. My heart is still sad but my will to keep fighting against the forces that choose to make life hard and sad for others outside serendipity is unwavering. Life is hard enough with it's chaos and uncontrollable knowns, so I remain ever vigilant to rebut what is wrong and to doing right wherever I can regardless of how my own life is playing out. I need to do good things as a therapy for living an acceptable life on my terms.