Friday, July 31, 2009

The fear within me (#182)

Life for me is one big bang. I am so funny sometimes. I want something in my life but yet I fear having it in my life. I guess committing to something is not easy to do regardless of how right and good it is. The new and unexpected have a way of making me anxious and a little fearful. One thing I have going for me though is my history with these types of situations. In almost every circumstance, once I had received something into my life I found out that I don't know how I lived or survived without it before I got it. It is that time after I realized a desire and the time before actually getting it that seems to be an anxious time for me. So my point is that growth, in my life, doesn't seem to come naturally. Despite this awareness about myself, I am still able to push past any lingering doubts about a desire because deep down in my heart and soul my desire is greater and has a completely good motive. Courage to continue to grasp for the right in my life is not as simple as recognizing right it is also defeating the doubts I have about my own sense recognition. Usually the doubts are ridiculous and easily categorized as such, but other times the doubt can be deceiving and complex. At these times I search my heart for the emotion and the need to be fulfilled in my life and that in itself will show me whether or not the doubts are real or fear based. I am my own meter on these things in my life but I also talk to others if only to hear the conviction in my voice and ring of the truth of the words I say. The only service I give to doubt in my life is that it makes me dig deep within myself to validate what I am desiring for me and others in my life.

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