Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Testing my resolve (#2490)
I have to live with who I am and if I am not being who I am then I am betraying myself. I have to find my way to doing what it is that best defines my own being. Most times the attractions and addictions of life are manageable to some degree in order to combat their control over me but there are times when it is so difficult that the only way forward is to rebuke my better instincts and give in to the guilty pleasure whatever it's form. Yet, even then I know what I am doing is wrong and the pull to stop and rationalize the bigger picture does have some positive effect. The struggle is do I allow myself a modicum amount of bliss as a benefit and then live with a guilt that not only weakens my character and resolve but also crushes my ability to be totally honest and forthright as a cost. Upon further reflection I have concluded that I must continue to sacrifice my own desires in order to preserve my own dignity and respect. I cannot judge others for something I find above being judged. Life is never just black and white, there is always some mixture of grey that moderates our thinking when confronted with choices that are strong within us. The same it is with me. A crossroads has been reached and I have a decision to make now that I thought earlier I had already made. This recent reflection has given me a much clearer perspective on a unique but harrowing situation. Although I find my decision now is against the grain of my needs and desires, I am still willing to make it based upon the greater cost not only to me but to others. The idea that I should have to sacrifice given my disdain for the myths, mores and superstitions that govern things is what grinds at me the most. But I don't get to define anything beyond my own life when my decisions positively or negatively impact others. I know this posting may seem personal or strange but it is not unique in the annals of human experiences and this time it just happened to me.