As I have gotten older it is absolute with me that I am more a shell of the man I was in my emotional life. Maybe it has something to do with the loss of the vigor of my youth but for me it feels like the loss of the special is the void that makes for the hollow feeling inside. I cannot just fill that void since the special is so unique and not at all easily replaced. I am not one of those who thinks that I can replace special just through my sheer force of will. Instead I have come to be reflective and honest with myself. I am not one of those who looks to make my own benefits in life above the costs it would have on others. So no fakery nor psuedo attempts to find special due to any fear I may have.
I never stop looking for a special relationship to add to what years I have left but it will be with a half hearted effort given my already bit of brokenness. I still find comfort in my heart in that many never even get a chance to know what special can do for them before their time is over so no crocodile tears from me. I just know that my life is not the same and it is because my heart is not at home as much as it was in the past. This is not an indictment of anything just what is on my mind at the moment.