The air in my head (#243)

I can't remember the last time I felt so light-headed. I have had a toothache here away from home and have been fighting it with many tablets of aspirin. The pain relief has been inconsistent and my sleep has fallen off dramatically. I can barely hear things going on around me but the tooth is still in my head for now. However, not for long since I cannot continue to live like this. I have an appointment to have it pulled by a local dentist at around 10:00 am this morning. I had hoped to save it until I got home for a break, but the pain has so intensified that I cannot concentrate or think with any consistency. Lol. I know what is any different? Lol. Now that my little joke on myself is done I can go back to where I just was, which is back to feeling light-headed with a chronic buzz humming in my head. My ears feel and hear nothing more then the steady drum of background static. Enough about this condition of mine, tomorrow will be a better or at least a different story. Goodbye until then.

What the day may bring (#242)

As always I awake with a general idea as to how my day will go. However, only generally. I know that I will wash, clean, feed and ready myself to go out the door and off to work but what work will look like today is always unpredictable. Regardless, I have no cares about that even though it is somewhat still mystifying. I have come to the place in my life where whatever happens is greeted with the same outlook, analyze and proceed. It is not that I have become automated, it is because I am happy and can adjust to most any type circumstance that comes my way. I have thrown out the notion of assumption which leads to expectation in favor of not assuming anything and reacting to whatever appears. The moments or seconds of my life continue to count toward their final solution despite whatever denial I justify. So instead of trying to control time and it's effects, I try to just let time be itself so I can concentrate on just being myself. Like the song "What will be, will be.", is a great anthem or rallying point to live my life by. "Come what may", is a phrase used in theatrics and in real-life courageous moments, for me "come what may" signifies a life principle, a way to look at all things with the same determined eye of conviction. It is also a face to show the world in the way I choose to, which is with strength of conviction behind the smile I wish to present to all who would look my way.

Still learning to reign myself in (#241)

There are times when I let myself get too silly and begin to step outside what some people might call comfortable conversation. I have been around various types of personalities that span the range of extremes. As an example, some are quiet and reserved and always within an etiquette boundary, while others spend most of their time disassembling etiquette boundaries. Quite a diverse crowd I am associated with. It is my luck to be able to move within these diverse groups and maintain my own sense of respect and principles. However, there is always the opportunity for me to stray over some lines of protocol and possibly upset or make someone uncomfortable. I am never in the "intentional" when this may occur but nonetheless I am culpable just the same. Sometimes I wonder if being available and in others' lives is worth all the restrictions I must adhere to, to maintain a balance in our associations. I know that it is always worth the energy to remain respectful and helpful even when I am misunderstood or the easy foil of a moody or transferring soul. My own behaviour can always be improved upon and I will always continue to work at that goal. I am also aware that distinguishing between what may be acceptable behaviour today may not be acceptable behaviour tomorrow. We all change and recognizing that within myself is where I need to start. My best trait is to engage others and form new relationships, but keeping those relationships is much more difficult when I let occasional out-of-complete control of my responses interject where not appropriate. I am learning well and will continue to learn well. I am the first to call myself out when I understand my character is out of character.

Still full of wonder and awe (#240)

I just became a Facebook friend to a relative I have never met and I am learning that her culture, which is not the same as mine has the same principles of hopes and guidelines that mine has. The difference is that I am unfamiliar with the appropriate protocol for sharing information about subjects or ideals. I imagine over time I will be able to discern or learn through trial and error, but I hope that most of my learning will happen through thoughtful discernment and careful respect of what I learn. I know that my care-free attitude about my own life is well and good for me however, others deserve time to express their own attitudes about how they are approached and how they are communicated with. Our American culture has a an unbridled view on many subjects that are free from the strictures of confinement, the difference being non-American societies can have many strictures in place that are considered taboo and accepted wholly as they are. I am not saying this is wrong in any way, shape or form I am just pointing out the carefulness I must adhere to in showing my respect for others as I would hope they would show for mine. In my own mind I know that the American culture is populated by less than 5% of the Planet's population, yet I sense we are less-conscious of our numbers and more conscious of our might and right in the world. Our might and right in the world should be premised on our knowledge that respect from others comes at the price of giving respect. I am humbled by the fact of my existence on this Planet and my ability to communicate with others in an open way. I hope to always be in this world where we all are allowed to live our lives with dignity and the ability to express ourselves like the first Amendment of our American Constitution allows us to be able to.

Pay attention to the details (#239)

Inventory, a word of huge significance. Recently on our job the question of how do we get a handle on the flow of the work has come down to being answered by what is our material inventory and what is our work inventory. Once these items have been identified and understood then the sequencing and scheduling can take place. Simple economics but difficult to grasp amid a chaotic beginning filled with interruptions. I continue to find that noticing and noting the specific details of the task in front of me gives me information I need when it is time for decisions to be made. Information is essential to having the correct intelligence when right decisions become imperative. Right decisions are always required however in a system run by humans right decisions on a basis of perfection, at this time in our evolution, is not realistic. But major decisions need to be as right as possible. It seems that I am in a constant state of information gathering specific to the flow we are trying to maintain. I accept and embrace any honest method to assimilate information gathering into my responsibilities. I can be very good at coordinating my responsibilities if I continue to pay attention to the details and stay relentless in the pursuit of them.

In a hurry (#238)

This is one of those few times where I just have very little time to devote to my blog. I have been sitting here trying to meditate on quiet for the subject of this particular blog to show itself to me and it is not doing so. I feel it is correct to write about the fact that nothing is coming into my mind at this moment when I am prepared to write. I thought about putting this posting off until the end of my work day and after thinking for just a moment realized that I will be so tired that my thoughts then would more than likely be a mass of incoherency. Not too much unlike now. lol. I really enjoy posting my blog and like to share the happy emotion in my writings. I hope that I do because few read what I write anyway and I certainly don't want to bore my readers to distraction. Anyway, this posting will not have much of any substance but it will be really happening in my head as my fingers race across the keyboard to keep up with my thoughts. My typing has improved measurably and for that I am grateful. I have forced my fingers to hit their assigned keys and I am beginning to see good results in that area. Bye for now and I wish everyone a better day today than the day of yesterday.

Loving life (#237)

I am so glad to have this opportunity to say how much I enjoy being in my life today. I am away from home, family and friends yet because of the Internet and a great peace of mind I am relaxed and anxious all at the same time. I am ready to take on many concurrent situations from work and also do them with a sense of happiness. This weird combination of anticipation with comfort is elevating to my psyche. It is as if I have attained a level of ownership of my thoughts and emotions I had not thought I would ever see again. I have had glimpses of this combination before but rarely and for only short periods of time. Now I am living in this sense all the time lately. This carefree attitude and behaviour I am experiencing is reflective of how far I have come from the days of confusion and denial. I no longer bury myself in drink to escape my reality, I have instead changed my reality and buried the drink. Quite a turn-around. My life today is a product of associations and determination on my part. The associations I have now are with people who are looking for a better future for themselves other than through denial and drink or drug. I look forward to my day today, knowing that it will be another test in a series of tests that I now have the confidence and focus to pass no matter what shape or form.

Staying happy in tough circumstances (#236)

Especially on my jobsite it is difficult to maintain a happy upbeat demeanor when the chaos that is construction gets a little out of synchronicity. I have found that despite the various obvious reactions I could take, I still default back to a smile and a joke to release the tension and start to bridge the newly formed gap. Life is always going to be complicated and I must remember that! I am also only going to be alive for a limited time through our current destiny and I want to savor the moments that have been mine to claim. Results will come and go as the situation dictates, but how I let the message of the dictate form and be released is mine to formulate. I choose the logic and smooth way as opposed to the angry out-of-control way. I have seen more than my share of outbursts which were intended as a strategy fail, simply because humans will only allow themselves to be bullied or scolded in limited amounts. To treat humans with dignity when constructively criticizing shows wisdom and respect to the recipient. There is always another moment that follows and it seems wise to have good relations with as many people as possible if a deadline or phase finish point is ever going to be realized. When the moment of confusion has been rectified I want my future to be in a harmony with the principles of life and community, honor and dignity, but most of all true to the best of the nature of humanity. There is only one way I can keep that smile on my face and that is if I am true to how I want others to view the qualities of life I project out to them. No masks, no power or ego trips, just honest and good, trying to find better.

Overcoming the fear (#235)

We must be available to talk to each other. How is it that when we most need someone to share with we find it within ourselves to shy away and let our fears control the situation? My greatest hurdle in life has been to recognize that fear was keeping me from experiencing life with myself as the arbiter of circumstance. I just could not see that I had the ability to shape outcomes with my behaviour and cognition. I have since learned that fear is the cage that would keep me inside never to allow me to feel worthy or appreciated. I know who I am today. Let me repeat that again. I know who I am today. I am not ashamed or afraid to tell anyone that I have principles and guidelines that define my essence. I find it ironic that the one thing my fear kept me from doing was the best thing I could have happen to me. Finding out who and what and how I am is not scary, it is rewarding. Simply because the depths I searched within myself to find me have been enlightening and true to my nature and spirit. I have always liked that I care about other people, I have always liked that existence is full of adventure and mystery. These things are who I am. They define me to the core of my life. How could I have ever found myself if I had continued to be afraid to honestly examine me. I was afraid that the ugliness that life at times shows us would be what I found. The best of who I am was greater than the illusion of some worst human qualities that attempt to infiltrate the amazing reality of existence. I have conquered fear from ever having a say in who I am or how I will live my life. To have reached this point of enjoying life with a fullness, I had to first conquer the fear that would not let me examine who I am.

What is best for me (#234)

Now here is a subject that used to have 100% of my attention. If I wasn't on my mind it was a rare occasion. Today I am not on my mind much at all. I am trying to think and act in the interest of others instead. Now in a round-about way I do come into the thought indirectly, because when I do things for others I receive a sense of satisfaction that fills my essence with virtue, but not as a destination merely as a side benefit. However this is one of those moments when I am going to think of what may be best for me. I am approaching a crossroad that will demand a decision from me on a personal level that I must search my soul and my heart to find. As a strategy to make a decision, I am fighting with all I have not to do. I believe that life is it's own strategy and any strategy on my part is nothing but a waste of thought and space. I must try to comprehend what is best for me without taking away what is best for me. Well, that was an exercise in circular reasoning. However there is great sense to what I just said. I can become aware of what is truly best for me and plan a course toward it without interrupting the course that life has already given me. I have a dilemma of the heart and I know that it has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with how I have been caused to feel. Life has thrown me something special without giving me any instruction as to what to do with it. Given my ability in this area I will be lucky not to just throw it away and mourn it's loss. I know how special the gift I have been given is and I will do my best to do right by it and hope that the outcome will be what is best for me.

The barriers are coming down (#233)

It has taken me a little time to come up with a topic today. I suppose it is because I have been distracted by a lot of little things I wanted or wished to complete. My blog posting is very important to me and I always want to complete it as soon as possible early in the morning. Today has been an exception for me in that I decided to throw myself at all the little errands and tasks first and then relax into my topic for the day. I am glad that I did because I got to talk to a couple of very enlightened interesting gentlemen who offered perspectives on issues of the day that I found insightful and profound. It is not often that I can have a conversation with someone who is able to elucidate their concepts or principles in an objective way without staking out an immovable position. The free exchange of ideas and thoughts usually brings us closer together if we allow for objective analysis of the concise points being made. It is often the case that we hijack other's ideas as our own without doing the necessary investigation as to the actual realities our positions may create. I ma very proud to be a member of the human species and I want and wish for nothing but the best for us. How this can come about is only dependent on how much we are willing to understand each other and listen to learn from each other.

The triumph of the human spirit (#232)

It does not matter what the circumstance, the human spirit will triumph over it inevitably. The amazing strength and power of the human spirit is only matched by the amazing power of our planet Earth. We are suited to each other in ways that are eerily similar. We have a love/hate relationship in our means of caring for each other. We need each other to cultivate and prosper each of our own potential. The Earth does not necessarily need us to exist but through humanity existing on the Earth we bring out it's qualities that otherwise would have no purpose for being. Of course, humanity needs the Earth for the most basic and fundamental reasons of giving and maintaining life. Although the relationship may be uneven at present the future very well could shift the balance toward a more equitable rationalization. In the meantime however, the human spirit is the strength needed to allow humanity to continue toward a future free from the arms of the Earth. Like a baby bird flying from it's nest for the first time, humanity continues to adapt to it's surroundings and to the logical increases in our knowledge base. It is absolutely the most invigorating time to experience existence simply because of the opportunities and possibilities that can and are available. The indomitable spirit we possess is humanity's factor in continuing an unabated growth toward any and all potential outcomes. In other words destiny is truly in our hands.

The inner battle (#231)

Desire versus logic. Not as simple to find the right answer to this problem. Logic does not always correctly work as a solution neither does desire. Yet both may have the same solution at the same time. Different situations require analysis based upon many factors. In our civilized society we expect common sense and respect to guide our thoughts and principles, however the survival instinct within us and it's collateral effects often dictate other urges and desires that conflict with society yet seem quite natural. The key is to gain control over random acts of natural desires and process them through a protocol that accounts for the demands of society on the whole and that still moderates our sensibilities toward the negation of some of our human desires. The transfer from animal instinct with it's chaotic nature toward a civilized system of logic combined with acceptable natural desires will continue to form our society as we progress forward into a more ideal future. The end-game of our osmosis or transformation will be far more desirable to our consciousness then the head in the sand approach we utilize when we abuse each other because we have no system to contain the undesirable desires that are still in our present society. To me, the battle is within us but we can impose a structure to show how to fight the inner battle toward a successful outcome. More about a structure to follow on a subsequent blog posting.

I do my best as much as possible (#230)

I will never have an ego problem because I know me very well. I am prone to looking at myself with an objective eye, and that eye shows me the truth of myself. I make mistakes. I actually laugh at myself many times during the day. The one thing that has allowed me to see myself in such an actual way is my belief that living with the truth of reality is imperative in my life. I am not dissimilar from most other people, I need to be grounded to some form of solid footing. The truth in my life is necessary for me to function as my nature finds most enjoyable, despite any consequence that may come from living as my truth is expressed. Existence is without a blueprint for life. It is a learned experience which we attempt to share with each other and generations to come. The beauty of us having a free will design is that we have some control of our actions within the societal structure we have instituted in order to reign in chaos and anarchy. The control we do have is enormous in depth and should never be treated with anything less than humbled honor. Another form of treatment we should give our control over ourselves is the ability to have a joyous life and to not take ourselves too seriously. There are great and terrible problems that we as a society still need to find reasonable answers for, but in finding answers we must also enjoy the limited time we have in existence in order to preserve a way of life which greatly defines the panoramic capabilities of humanity. Each human needs to know that they have done their best to continue existence for humanity in a positive progressive way and also to experience the wonderment of existence with joy in our lives.

Living in the present (#229)

I am who I am when I live in the present as myself. It is good that I do the things I hope to do when I allow myself to just react as myself. I am a naturally instinctive person. I actually live subconsciously like I want to live consciously. How this has come about to my awareness is through the patient practice of doing the "next right thing". I am conforming myself to behaviour that I approve of and is reflective of honored principled actions. I know that being in the present allows me to stay focused on the things right in front of me and aware of how my and others' actions affect whatever circumstance is happening. Life today for me is fun and full of happiness. It is because I work hard to accomplish whatever I am working on but also work with the knowledge that humanity is a gift, through being alive, and appreciating life is the greatest value I can share. In other words, whistling while I work. When I am in the present, and not future tripping or feeling guilty or remorseful of the past, I serve myself in forging life on my terms with the awareness to know what is going on around me. When I am in the present I get to see how others may need and what I can do to bring any solution I might have to them. When I am in the present I can use my own resources to effect positively on my environment when a need becomes clear to me. I have so many possibilities in front of me when I am in the present and aware of my life within this existence. What a privilege it is to be alive and aware.

On the subject of creativity (#228)

I love starting out my daily blog with the title beginning "On the subject of...", because John Stuart Mill started some of his political theory ideas that way. I have admired John Stuart Mill for his contribution of "No harm to anyone or to yourself" philosophy. My classmate from University of Washington, Ted Chow told me I should write my political theory and entitle it the same as John Stuart Mill. I agree with him now but in a different format than he or I envisioned. My theory is on the block heading of my blog and I won't discuss it now but I want to talk about the unique way John Stuart Mill began some of his books about humanity and social living. His clear direction toward the topic he wished to discuss inspired me to focus my thoughts and energies on the specific matter I wished to bring to light. Simply, JSM helped me to understand that being clear and efficient with my idea, I give it legitimacy. I had a tendency to ramble and intertwine my thoughts with other ideal until even I could not remember the original point I was trying to make. Sometimes it is like a light goes off in my head to signify that Occam's Razor, (to paraphrase, the simplest answer is usually the correct one), is mostly true. When JSM talks about how we should do no harm to others or ourselves as a moral imperative, he is basically summing up every positive principle know to humankind. His, again, simple logic has shown magnificent enlightenment. One little efficiently clear ideal encompasses every motive in life. Wow.

On the subject of discretion (#227)

This is a topic that requires an amount of finesse. In taking on this topic I must remember that discretion can be easily violated when not honored as a high principle. In other words discretion's implementation must be a carefully considered objective. Omitting or deleting information from a discussion of value becomes necessary when too specific details would harm or unjustly mis-characterize an organization or person(s). In the moment of discussion when we all want to be validated by offering each other useful information, we must not lose sight of the trust and protection of some information not meant for public or private discourse. I try to frame or shape my thoughts toward generalities to make my points instead of mindlessly invoking circumstances of fact or innuendo without concern for the collateral damage that may and will be caused by my not having thought through my words before using them. We are human and by definition are liable to make errors in judgement and action at any given time. That is why using the tool of discretion can limit our negative impacts on others. Life is a continuing learning process which has in it's wake our few victories but mostly our many mistakes. The light of day on our mistakes should be our choice to shine, unless ordinance or law supersedes. We must be careful not to unintentionally or intentionally harm each other for purposes due to negligence on our part or through the baser human instinct. Discretion shows a high level of maturity and care which should be everyone's practice and everyone's goal to attain.

On the subject of why I blog everyday. (#226)

To some people, my blogging everyday seems like an inconvenience. To some others it seems like a compulsive trait. Even others seem to think that I have no life except my blogging. All of these are true to some lesser extent. The main reason I blog everyday is that I feel so privileged to be alive and able to express any thought with some definition and clarity. This is my view on the fact that every new day comes and in it I am apart of it. I allow myself some time everyday to spend a part of it reflecting on an idea or thought. The little time spent in meditation and prayer before I begin my blog helps to center me and remind me that I live in the present and that is where my focus needs to be. This is also my way to let the universe know how and what I think at different times as I continue to live. A record of my views and perceptions, certainly, but also an outlook toward my hopes and wishes for how existence might continue to exist for those who will certainly continue to live after me. I am just another soul who wants to offer to the ages what my experiences have shown me and how I have learned and grown from them. This blog is the diary of my life and the important ideals I wish to make known to anyone who may read my blog. I blog everyday because I want to blog everyday. I am still amazed that somehow I am in existence again for another day. I don't know how I was able to get to this existence but I am wholly privileged by it's reality.

The sanctity of humanity (#225)

I am profoundly appreciative of my fellow human beings and consider their contact in my life a personal reminder of how amazing we are as individuals and as a community. I have mentioned this before and will do so again, life is about enjoying the senses we have within us. Without our sense receptors we are alive but without the information gatherers necessary to express it to each other. The inadequate and unequal application of society on all of us makes it difficult to appreciate the foundational acknowledgement that life is to be expressed and enjoyed not to have become an arbitrary struggle to survive. Our Heaven on Earth is possible, it is within us to find and implement a society that nurtures and flourishes each life with equal vigor. Superficiality and Ego-driven mindsets are outdated, selfish, fallacious, disproved premises. We must form a society that has at it's central core the beauty that life is capable of and the strength to protect that. When we do figure out how to make our society the envy of all of us then we will have found the key to living our lives to their fullest potential. All of us born into existence are equally gifted. The how we come to be in the presence of existence is still a mystery, a Creator of some form is logically assumed. Based upon that assumption and run out to it's logical progression, we are the invited ones not the Creator. We are given an opportunity to mold and make a society that has inherent goodness. What we do with this opportunity is what I am hopeful about as we begin to educate ourselves even more about who we are and how precious we are to each other.

Freedom of Speech (#224)

What a beautiful thing. We are taught how to communicate as a tool to nurture ourselves as a species. We are also taught how to communicate as a way to experience each other in a way that is both informative and thought provoking. The pleasure of speech as a form of communication is that we get to use our auditory sense to hear and practice the harmonic tones that come from our vocal chords to create sound. I like to think that speech is the easiest form of communication because it can be attained by most all humans, less some who inherently are unable. However, the ability to speak and be heard should be valued as a wisdom, a gift to others with the intent to raise awareness and offer solutions to puzzling questions. The back and forth of commerce and friendly relations notwithstanding. It is important that the intent of communication serve a purpose of dignity and honor. The freedom of speech is a right that has a history of being fought for to bring about it's universal claim. The blood and life that has been offered to protect it's usage, demands and deserves every-one's respect and homage. The greatest of our virtues is our ability to love one another. All things of honorable principle stem from our love. Our speech is a reflection of our principles and creative thoughts, anything that would deny or deviate from the trust of our truthful best interests is less than speech and can then only be described as noise.

On the subject of death (#223)

Now, this is not going to be an easy topic to expose to the light of reason and commentary. I had always feared death as an end-all to all. I have softened in that fear because the struggle of life does tend to wear the enthusiasm for life just a bit. Maybe it is because my body has begun to show signs of aging. Or maybe it is because the mysteries of life are not so mysterious anymore. Maybe it is because I am not so young and worried that I might miss out on life at an early age. The fear that I feel for the inevitable consequence of death does not have such an impact on me physically or emotionally, like it did in years past. All things in nature have a due date except existence itself. I know this because existence will always be in some form, whether we recognize it or not. I say this as my understanding of how existence presents itself within my reasoning and logic. I do not state this understanding I have as a fact, just a rationale. Regardless, we must, as humans, rationalize the end of our lives with the logic we accept as the current truth. Words, they are so easy to speak at times, but are much more difficult to incorporate through action. I know this as my experience, especially with the subject of death. I am not looking forward to death with any anticipation except an unwanted anticipation. Death will have it's day with me and I am reconciled to that. But as the poet Dylan Thomas wrote, (paraphrased) I will continue to "...rage against the dying of the light." It is so important to live all my moments with an urgent sense of purpose within this society and the rules and boundaries we allow ourselves. I will never bow to death but I will admit it's reality.

Which came first, peace or truth? (#222)

This question is fun in that no matter how it is answered the result still leads back to the good or great. Using myself as the model for this discussion, I am unsure. It seems at first thought that truth came first which allowed me to know and understand peace. But then what triggered truth? I have to be in a state of rest and calm, which is like peace, for me to look and recognize truth. This question reminds me of the chicken and egg dilemma, which came first? However I answer at a particular moment, it seems that I would be advised that admitting that I am unsure would be the most correct answer. That I even recognize that peace and truth are such defining principles in my life is a victory for me over the confusion that used to inhabit my thinking. Maybe a simultaneous event occurs that envelops both peace and truth, allowing them to perform instantaneously. I like that answer but again I am only conjecturing on any veracity. My thinking forces my understanding into a compartmentalized viewpoint. I must continue to endure to think outside the paradigms I have been acculturated with and find the whimsy of life or a muse to help me see beyond my own logical and common sense precepts. The happy and joy that are available to everyone in life are out there waiting to be sensed and enjoyed. Existence is the brilliant miracle I know to be. Every second within it has brought me closer to truth and peace, which makes my face relax and a smile to appear.

How strong is my mind (#221)

In the past I had always assumed and felt that there was nothing I couldn't will by my own power to happen. Since I am the soul who directs my life I believed that I could maintain a level of control despite the whirligig of time. I have since been shown the folly of my belief, assumptions and how I felt about having complete control over myself at all times. I am aware that I can control my behavior and thought to a certain extent and finding that extent has been a trial and error process. How strong is my mind? Is a question I need to continue to discover. I tell myself what I will do and find myself wanting to contradict myself often. I sense that the spatial time difference between when I decide something and then want to re decide it is fairly short in span. It is the little things in life that do this to me. I am less attentive and principled when the subject matter is seemingly inconsequential. However, I have learned that nothing is inconsequential. Everything I do has a direct consequence on the very next thing I do and so on and so on. The strengthening of my mind is a constant uphill battle for me since I have not trained myself, since an early age, to be more aware of the impacts of all my decisions. I am aware now that the choices and decisions I make must be defended by myself, unless some harm may occur. Otherwise, sticking to what I decide, and deciding with a clear and determined objective, must become the normal within my life. I hope to become a better man through this on-going process and be a better example to those who happen to notice what I am doing.

A question I never stop asking (#220)

Since the beginning of me and all my remembering of me I have steadfastly had one question on my mind, why? Why this or that, why, why why. The one word in my vocabulary I could not do without. My nature is most evident when I am wondering something that I wish to know. The grit or determination I apply to each why in my life is attributable to the persistent importance of knowing the answer to the particular why at the time. Although the grit may vary from why to why, the sense within myself to know never varies in degree. I have an insatiable hunger, thirst, drive, what-have-you to be in harmony with the knowable and an uncomfortable angst to struggle with the unknowable. It is the unknowable that is the fleeting realization which I want to be a part of. I want more than what is discoverable I want the undecipherable as well. This may sound or appear confusing but I don't know how else to describe the feeling within me that draws me toward glimpses of what I don't know. I feel lucky to know that I can almost anticipate the edge of something I don't know yet be frustrated by my inability to use logic and common sense to get closer to what it is. My why world is always just on the verge of something, then it is gone. Such is my dilemma. I have reconciled this incompleteness of connectivity to my own imperfection of thought evaluation and implementation. But again I ask why. I love my life and the compassion and curiosity I hold as the two greatest strengths a human can live and exhibit. The fact that I am not the brainiac I wish I was is just less icing on my cake. lol.

I must always continue to find happiness (#219)

It seems absurd to think that I must continue to find happiness when all around me there are troubles, injustices and needless harm and death. I may come across as an unfeeling selfish idealist. That would not be true however, because the antidote to pain and misery is happiness. No one on this planet has had their heart hurt any worse than any one of us has. We are all experts on pain and heartbreak. I look around me and I see how the struggle for humans minds is waged everyday in some form or fashion. If only the struggles were all waged within the arena of providing happiness instead of some less principled or happiness-less rationalized reality. The forces that promote confusion to principled ideal have enormous influence, even to the point of humans bitterly railing against that which would help their lives in powerful ways. I am just an insignificant in the great scheme of things but I am also a teller of the truth of my heart. Maybe my insignificance isn't so small. One voice with the clarity of vision and the might of honesty and decency can become significant. I don't seek to manipulate or influence anyone, I seek to express the inherent ability to think and speak for myself. This ability is also a right within America which has been paid for daily through the life of our country through sacrifice and death. I will always seek the honor and just in how I approach situations of societal determinations. I am a strong and caring man who is willing to give my life for those who are less fortunate than I am. Being a noble human being has always been a goal of mine not a big house with servants. Happiness, however long I am able to enjoy it will continue to be my purpose and fulfillment. Life is not measured by the quantity of time one lives but rather by the quality of the living of it.

On the subject of the struggle of life (#218)

To begin to understand life I must observe it's present interactions and it's past behaviors. After having become generally aware of these knowable states the next question I need to ask myself is what do I see as the future of life and what approach should I support to achieve it. It has been my contention that the nature of humanity resides in two main categories, compassion and curiosity. I also have a sub category which is inherent within the two main categories, the will or desire to survive. If all of my knowledge of past human behavior and present human interaction combined with compassion and curiosity with the drive to survive are in an evaluation to project a model for future life, I can then therefore start to formulate some thoughts about how our future could look. I contend also that the lack of compassion and curiosity expressed by humanity brings about the baser attitudes and actions that have been the hallmark of humanity's shame. The model I am starting to visualize will have compassion and curiosity as the evolved attributes of behavior and be supplemented by the human spirit to reach beyond our limits to embrace our curiosity of the yet still unknown. The model we use as a social contract between ourselves should also reflect the principles of our natures and our hopes and wishes. Clearly I believe our natures are honorable and worthy of the daylight for all to see. It is important for us to never forget that we are guests within existence and not it's creator or master.

Never give up (#217)

I have only one subject on my mind this morning and it is a personal matter. I feel something so incredible within me that I have to again say that a power greater than me has filled me with a special gift. A feeling that has filled me through and through. It is the feeling that I am referring to. Regardless of what may come of this feeling, I am privileged to experience it. I have no illusions of some fate intervening in my life to bring this feeling within me to a perfect reality, but I will never give up on the possibility of this feeling finding it's way to it's source and it's completeness. I know very little of the miracle of life and how our sensations and wonderment evolve. I have the privilege only of experiencing them and hoping, even at times, expecting them to appear through some desire of fate. I am the expectant recipient of some gift whose purpose or destiny is still unclear to me. I will wait on it's fruition like a child waiting on Christmas morning. All of reality and this existence is limited to me because time dictates that I only participate for a short time. Waiting is difficult because of fears and doubt. Fears and doubt however, should never be the starting point of change in my life nor should they be the end of a change that has occurred in my life. I am so happy these days lately because of the feeling I have within me. I will never give up on this gift that came to me from someplace special. I will continue to treat it as such.

Inconsequential thoughts (#216)

I am at least smiling and feeling a sense of humor about my empty mind this morning. I know that a rest is coming up in a few days and it will be welcome. I am not alone in this tired state, the fellows who are currently working on this job site that I am on are very tired themselves. I must keep a close eye on them and make sure that they are continuing safe work practice. I am also thinking about what to do over the Labor Day weekend. I feel like going to see the four cornered states at the geographical location that is marked for them. Be in four states almost simultaneously is worth the 10 hour round trip to accomplish it. I miss being with my little animals. They are such an important part of my life and who I am. The sacrifice I am making to be apart from them is necessary but not essential. However, the greater good at this time is to remember that all things work in harmony when we let them so on I go about completing this task and then have the time to come home and enjoy my little family and many friends and family I have at home. My typing is getting much better. My fingers seem to know where to go with regularity. lol. Mostly. Today is Thursday, which means that the week is coming to end after tomorrow. I have little else to say at this point except to say that this is the best time of my life and I am so fortunate to be able to share it with anyone who chooses to allow me into their lives. What a miracle technology is.

On the subject of destiny (#215)

Many thoughts are swirling around in my mind this morning about friendship, principle, and how those two go together. My topic is destiny, but destiny is a by-product of how we live our lives. Our destinies will be defined by how our actions and words are expressed. It is in the living of our lives that the truth of our destinies is told. I don't need someone following me around to record for history or posterity my actions and words in order to interpret my destiny. I believe that the universe is my overseer and any and all actions I have or will take has a place in infinity. My conscious is my guide and my belief in a creator is my judge. I am not the sovereign of myself, the universe and existence is. I am the care-taker of my entity and I am only borrowing it for a short time so that I may enjoy sensation and reason with empathy and wonder. In the big picture scheme of life, my participation is relatively insignificant. However, the impact I have on life in general is determined by how much I desire to allow of the creative and caring forces within me to be expressed. I can have an influence over many things, as yet undetermined circumstances, simply by being. It is in the how I am being where my destiny will begin to forge it's definition. All of us are in need of someone or something to be apart of, none of us is an island alone unto our self. It is in this logic of companionship or association that gives us the parameters or boundaries of our cognition and behavior, which can then help us define the how of what our destinies can become. Someone or something is greater than me, so I must know then that I have to respect existence. It is in the respecting that I find comfort and freedom to express and be who I hope and desire to become.

Life is not an examination (#214)

I don't get a grade for how I live my life. I don't study up or cheat to have a better score. Life is about living. When I see a set of principles, I don't memorize them, I practice them to ingrain them into my pattern of living. There is a natural flow to living and keeping myself within that flow is my goal. Too many times a reaction to events is stilted or awkward in appearance, it is because the truth of my actions aren't governed by the practice of honor. I am still learning the fundamental progression of incorporating principles into practice. At the time of this posting the confusion and non-discernible view of my progression is starting to come into focus. I will not rush myself, however I will not procrastinate either. I have come to know what I should be doing, as to living a principled life, late in life so there is no time to be intentionally wasting. The purpose of living a principled life is to be in a state of natural response in thought and action toward any and all circumstances with the higher or highest of human values for expression. My heart will be gladdened and my mind at peace if I can find the place where even my critique of myself has diminished to little or nothing. The joy of living is my goal, I won't attain that by going through the motions of appearing to be something that I'm not. My truth is not even near equal to what I want my truth to appear like. It is strange that I have control over what I can become but because of pressures from without, I at times choose to be something else. I am aware of this and am taking the steps to move away from what other's think and toward things my heart knows as true. Life is not an examination it is being who I am.