My helplessness seems at times to more than make me smile it makes me outright laugh. I want so much for my personal life as well as for all our lives through a better society, but alas, I am mostly faced with disappointment. I know this is usually the outcome, but my hopes and desires are so real that the sensation of their non-achievement is emotionally and physically painful. It is then that I analyze my situation and the smile or laughter begins. I get caught up in the notion of deserves and should be's that I forget that I nor any other single human being has control over what may be. My life will be unfulfilling in many areas and I know this. Such is the lot in life of every human. This ability to immediately recognize my mistakes in the hoped for fruition of every aspiration I have, is somewhat a new phenomenon for me. I would get depressed and act out in the depression for long periods of time. Oh woe is me syndrome. lol. Being taught to have a thick skin while staying sensitive to my hopes has been a long and hard road for me to travel to get to this place of understanding I am at now. I still feel the sting and gut punch of my dashed expectations, but the time I spend in that space is seconds and minutes now, not weeks and months. I am able to remember that I only somewhat control me and nothing else. I take great solace in this awareness since it focuses me back on what I am doing every moment instead of on things that are outside my actions. Of course others will always try to manipulate and control others through power and influence but that is their choice for the quality of life they wish to live. I can stand against injustice wherever it is but I cannot force my aspirations on others when they have their own to fulfill. At the very least that is my choice. :)
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