It is not easy for me to ask for help in any form. In my mind I feel like I am a failure for asking. Now I know that when I think that way it exposes another problem I have, namely thinking I am all of that plus some. lol. But really, it is as if I am not able to care for myself when I know I should be able to. I am a big strong, self willed man and not being able to handle small details in my life seems to go against my personality. I love writing this daily blog, it yet again exposes some character defect that has been, by default, running my mindset and actions. I am learning to delegate my life out to others so that they can share in it with me. I am always ready for others to ask me for help but I have trouble asking for help myself. When I can fully see that asking for help is not a inferior quality but just a normal aspect of living in a complicated world, I will have finally arrived at the place I need to be. Until then I am struggling to overcome previous behaviour. I want my life to be an open book, without feeling like I am not worthy or greater than. Just right in the middle where everyone else is. The difficulty is my mind and how I think others will perceive me. I will get where I need to be when I let go of the fear I have that somehow I am not like everyone else. I am like everyone else, full of unknowns and just trying to do my best. I am not always successful at doing my best but it is what I strive for. The unknowns will always be there and knowing all of them is really well beyond me. So today and everyday going forward I get to open up to others when I need to and be there for them when they need me. I will always try to attain what I need first but if I need help I will ask for it regardless of whether It makes me feel inferior.
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