All of us are family (#213)

How come I am able to see that we are all family when I was unable to do this in my past? One simple answer, I know who I am now. The questions that dominated my thinking always led me to a place where I was the center of things. Since I could be the center then all things were necessarily, directly or indirectly, about me. I have since learned that we are all equal and capable of thinking of ourselves as the center of things. This does make it difficult for me to continue to think that I am at the center of all things. Logic is my friend and ally now, so logically if we are all equal then we are all at the center of things together. We are all family. I needed to have an ego in the past because of the inadequacies I carried around about myself. This ego is not necessary anymore since I have good information that we all feel inadequate at times. Without the need for my ego I have found a contentment in my soul that makes me happy to know that we are all at the center of things. I like the company and the selflessness within me begins to feel the satisfaction associated with sharing in and with other people's lives. The miracle of life continues to astound me. I am amazed at the reality of sensation and reason. The perfectness of knowing who I am has been the saving grace of my life. I am just so fortunate to be a part of this existence and all the the other souls and wonders that inhabit it.

The depth of my personal introspection (#212)

Today is a liberated day for me. I can now sense that I have moved on from a place that held anxiety and deep-seated emotion. We have heard the word catharsis lately in America's political debate. The word catharsis means a purification, cleansing or clarification. I mean to use it's terms purification and cleansing. Yesterday I had the opportunity to bring closure to a subject of intense personal interest to myself. I was able to locate and visit at the grave site of my biological father who died when I was 6 years old, 47 years ago. I had not seen him for 48 years, when he left us to start a new life with someone else. I will not go into all the years of emotions and assumptions I had about my worthiness or my value, but I will try to sum them up with the concept that I was ashamed and angry with what I perceived as my beginning in life. Over the decades I have found that my worthiness is not predicated on other people"s actions but upon my own. Although I still harbored anger toward him I was able to function with the living in a respectful and happy way. When this opportunity came up for me to find and visit his grave, I knew deep within me that I needed closure on the anger I still unconsciously hid as an old friend. When I was alone standing over his grave my heart melted away like the young child I was when he left us and I began to tell him that I love him today and I was always wrong for being angry with him and was no longer. I asked for his forgiveness and apologized for expecting him to be something he obviously could not become. My Father took his own life, How he came to that I will not ever know but for me to carry his burdens was wrong. Today I love my deceased Father and love my living Step-Father. It is amazing the power of love when we just allow it to be.

Aspire to inspire (#211)

After watching the service for Ted Kennedy at the JFK Library, I was reminded once again about how to live my life. I have written on the impact JFK had on my young life and what an inspiration he was to my foundational core values. With Ted's passing, all the emotions of what The Kennedy's, John, Bobby and Ted, accomplished through their own personal will to make a difference in our lives came rushing back. However anyone views the political stances of this family one undeniable truth is that they found in service to our country a higher calling than just personal ambition for themselves. I know many who believe that everyone should be able to take care of themselves no matter what. That there should be no government "welfare" at all. Well, I am not one of those who thinks that Capitalism by itself is the answer. I am like the Kennedy's in the regard that some areas of life require and demand a system that is offered and protected as a right for our citizenry. The form of this system cannot stand alone as a capitalist venture, humanity and justice must be included. We, as citizens, are the government. We must root out the influences that would shape our policies and our destinies away from the practices that only benefit the few at the expense of the many and aim toward an egalitarian society based on Democracy and fueled by Capitalism. As a government established to protect it's citizens, broadening that scope out to not only protecting but insuring the health and education of our citizens seems a logical evolution of the principles established to create the American way. It is this that the Kennedy's represented to me and me who took this as their message. Strengthen our society by establishing fundamental rights in the area of health and education and by doing so only increase the opportunities to all of our citizens. A win-win situation.

The encourageable ones (#210)

I have such a skip in my step this morning. It is Friday and the work week is almost done but that is not why my happiness is larger today than any other day. Nothing special has happened for me except that I see our future today with such a clarity. I have started to see how the goodness one person brings into the the world has such a ripple effect on others that come into one's path. If I can always see that I have no benefit in my happy behavior outside the general good feeling it gives me then anything of a more complex effect that is good becomes very satisfying. I am like the blind man who walks along a path with a happy heart regardless of potential feelings of inadequacies. The overall benefit to maintaining a happy philosophy is that the world has the potential to share in my happiness. Other benefits include friendships that are based upon positive influences and satisfying outcomes. The sharing in the growth and evolution of our species is also a peaceful and rewarding acknowledgement to the beauty of happiness and hope. My own personal evolution has come with many bouts of anger and denial. The person I was when I was selfish is not the person I am since I have found selflessness to be more in tune with my own harmonic nature. My and our Planet is our lifeblood, My and our faith in some form of a creator allows us the sanctity to be who we are within the bounds of honorable principles and honorable actions. I see our future where we are all magnificent and amazing. I found this approach to life through the presence of living in happiness as much as humanly possible.

The struggle continues (#209)

We may come and go as human lives on this Planet, but the common welfare of all of us and the future generations of us continues. There is still plenty to do and all of us are needed to take a share of the load. It is always in the how as to what the progression of our civilization will look like. The how needs to have the best of human nature attached to it in order to show history the remarkable abilities of the human race. I am confident that our species will look to it's heart and soul to find the best way to proceed which includes and nurtures all of us. All pretext of selfishness needs to be eliminated from the discussion of how to proceed and the honorable method of selflessness must be our guide. I know all of this sounds so Pollyanna or too sensitive, however the stakes are actual human lives and presumption of weakness, mostly self-induced, must not be allowed to hijack our attempts at true growth of our species. I look forward to many good days of debate and progress on several pressing issues of our day. My hope is that our ego's are not part of the determination and that the principles of right and good and the best of human instincts will prevail. Our destiny is before us and the good works of those who came before us and struggled to create for us should always be centered in our minds.

It is okay to feel how you feel (#208)

It is okay to feel how you feel but you must examine the feeling and take appropriate actions based upon the best of human principles and intentions with no harm coming to yourself or anyone else. That was a mouthful and a difficult action to have to take. Like all things however, adjustments in behavior and cognition require practice and patience. We are in a new paradigm in how we act and react toward one another. This paradigm requires us to be respectful and courteous as an initial response regardless of how our moods are affecting us at any particular time. How we react to our feelings is the key to being ourselves all the while remaining an integral part of the whole of society. As is the case in any evolution, a period of transition must be understood. To change, takes time, and time inversely ushers in all change. The reasonableness of allowing time in order to establish new means of awareness and proper actions associated with these changes determines the boundaries of our patience. Time continues to move on and progress toward change needs to happen as soon as reasonably possible. Like the song lyric by the Rolling Stones "Time waits for no one..." logically sums up that the quicker we adhere our cognition's and behaviors the quicker we move toward the enlightened society we strive to achieve for our children and our children's children. It is incumbent upon our generation to continue the path toward raising the human experience of existence up to standards we can only now dream about for our offspring.

One step at a time (#207)

Like all things in life for me, one step at a time. I find that keeping to a subject until it is completed is the best policy for me. When I try to do two or more things concurrently I rarely have the insight to manage them with the clarity they deserve. I have long ago rationalized that I am not special enough to be greater in my humanity than anyone else. I am not Superman or that Genius guy, I am just the ordinary fellow who wishes to make the best of the talents I have within my limitations. I might have one quality that stands out among many adequate qualities and that would be my determination to finish what I start. I have a bull-dogged mentality about fruition and it's satisfaction when accomplished. Nose to the wheel with focus on the subject at hand. My best is in the present when I have this approach. It is difficult at times when I have success with many subjects in a row, I find myself becoming emboldened to take on more than one subject at a time. Rarely have I been able to succeed with their accomplishments to my personal standards. The memories of past unfulfilled deeds has been a good and constant check in my life which keeps me from attempting to perform the same disappointing form of denial. I have a peace about me which doesn't answer to any master except itself. I am not what I wish I was, I am what I am, which is pretty cool to me. I like me and appreciate who I am. I don't have any need to be more than myself. Which leads me back to how I approach life, one step at a time.

Trust my gut (#206)

Does love exist? I am here to tell you that in my life it does. Where I feel love is in my gut. I can hardly believe that I am writing on this subject because I never understood before how love feels. The love I felt previously when I had been in relationships was based on attraction and fear. Yes fear. I did not want to lose control or do something to change my comfortable position within a relationship. Fear of losing the relationship became the higher priority once the attraction began to get old. Welcome to what my life was like in the past. Not very appealing. Today, I know that being in a relationship out of attraction and fear will not be enough, duh. I have had the privilege to experience the true meaning of love when I got to feel love in my gut. The kind of love that turns me into jelly when I am around her. I am a hardened man who is ready to defend against any injustice I confront. I am also a man who is mystically transformed into a firm believer of true love. I can't remember how long it has been since I have felt so childish and tongue-twisted when I am in the presence of this one woman. My heart wants to jump through my chest, my ears get hot and worst of all my brain refuses to function. Okay, this is the not so exciting part, but what is exciting is the feeling in my gut that is all joy, happiness, warmth, contentment and love. I know what love is today and I trust my gut when it tells me so.

The preciousness of time (#205)

I was sitting here in my chair at the computer wondering what I was going to blog about today. Then the thought that this being Sunday and my one day off, I am fortunate that I have time to reflect and meditate on the present as it happens in my life. Doing this blog is a ritual that has allowed me to stop my continuous thinking and acting patterns and to focus on the now. It seems that the pre-blogging period is a real asset in my life. I thought immediately that the whole day of Sunday is still ahead of me and I am free to spend my day anyway I feel comfortable doing. Like finish this blog posting then take another in a long series of naps today. lol. The peacefulness of early morning is amazing. I have most of my chores for the day done and I can just be the silly boy I am inside for a few moments and daydream about my life and how it is playing out. I really have control over how I live my life today and that is the key to me being happy and assured in my present and future. I know that the rest of the world is going through unimaginable heartache and pain, but I cannot control that. I can only improve my life and hope to help in some way others to improve their lives as well. Every moment spent on this Earth is a gift of boundless preciousness and the time we use to count it is invaluable. I love who I am today and wish everyone could feel the tremendous anticipation that the present and the future will bring to me.

Pay it forward for good mental health (#204)

This is the conundrum, give something away to get something else. I have found that the act of selflessness actually is a pathway to happiness and self-worth confirmation. Happiness and self-esteem are major components of good mental health. Anytime we are able to attain a sensation of satisfaction through honorable and principled actions we assure ourselves of a delight in living life that is so often sought yet so hard to find. Capitalism is a model for a free market system toward innovation and societal progress however it teaches ambition as it's grail and in doing so leaves compassion and selflessness as very low-level priorities. It becomes incumbent upon all individuals to find within them a way to incorporate selflessness. When this becomes a reality, like it has in my life, a real sense of purpose toward my personal existence enhances greatly. I find that my life makes sense and I have a real destiny in the world. The self-esteem part that I just spoke about is huge for me, knowing that I have value as a citizen of this world moves my mind and creative thoughts to places I had only dreamed about when I was young and full of limitless possibilities. I have recaptured those very same thoughts because I give of myself and of the things I have in order to right wrongs or stop injustices before they occur. An even greater sense of satisfaction comes into play when I remain anonymous about my giving to all but my God. My mental health has never been in a better state than the one it is now.

The fear of responsibility (#203)

This is one subject that had a tremendous influence over me during my early years. I was not sure what my future was to be but I believed it was not meant to be tied down to any one particular thing. That was my greatest fear, that I would have to settle for a present and a future that I was not destined to have. How mystical I was. I can smile about it now but the decisions I made back then have in a large way defined how my life has lived to this point. Upon deeper examination, I find that by me allowing fear to guide my life I have missed out on the joy of initial discoveries and forming my responsibilities into the shape I would desire. My life has always been my life and despite my allowing obstacles to interfere with it, I was always the one who was going to define me. Thankfully, the fear that led me to avoid my early responsibilities only in the most important ways only affected me. Today, my actions are my actions to claim, there is no fear in allowing my life to follow whatever course it takes. I am still a mystical person, lol, but it is not because of some ill-thought sense of destiny or deserve, but because I am so awestruck by the absolute miracle that life is to me. I accept whatever happens as my responsibility today because fate has all of our numbers and when truth and honesty dominate, my reality is chosen and I don't have to fear whatever that manifests itself into being. The distortion of my early years serves as a lesson to me today, that whatever life brings to me I am willing and able to let it be true and accept the truth of it with the joy I feel in just being alive to experience it.

Getting a Mojo thing going (#202)

The Mojo is rising. The intricate balance between humans and nature requires us to understand nature. Nature does not have this obligation in return. We humans must find our balance with our planet and solar system in order to maintain a generally secure present and future. What I refer to as the Mojo is a blend of curiosity, common sense, intelligence and karma. There is one real concept that I find helps me keep my Mojo going and that is being sensitive to all the people, places and things that surround me. My Mojo is a good vibration within my soul and more physically, my gut. My Mojo does something else for me when I am in the sense of it and that is it keeps me happy and generally optimistic about everything within existence. I may seem like some kind of space-child or non-rational person, but I would argue that it is actually the reverse. That not keeping yourself in a Mojo state you are the one missing out on the harmony and balance that bonds us humans with the planet and universe we live in. The symbiotic relationship we share with our environment is best observed and "felt" when we can give ourselves to what is outside of our own self. More clearly, when we respect and give to others things which we could, there is a peace and sense of satisfaction that elevates our awareness to a level of close community with our surroundings. I will be visiting the "Ancient Ones", the Anasazi culture in a few weeks and I am basking in the thought of walking and touching things from these wise and peaceful ancestors. My Mojo is something that I strive particularly hard to maintain and grow in my spirit. May we all feel like our lives and our senses are worthy of being felt throughout the ripple of time in such a harmonic and karmic way. My goal is to keep my Mojo rising.

Another day in paradise (#201)

I hope everyone is enjoying their lives today. Despite all the difficulties we have happen to us the better part is that good things are constantly going on as well. We have a somewhat healthy lives, food shelter, clothing and transportation of some sort. A lot of us even have phone, television, Internet and other miscellaneous entertainment and work tools available to us. We have access to books, magazines, and other print information genre's to help us stay current and informed. Libraries and information centers offer us other access to literature and happenings to help us in determining what we want to do with our time. We are free to travel and communicate what we have on our minds at any particular time. We have friends we can visit with and enjoy companionship with. There are so many things I can enjoy today that I never give a second thought to except for today on this posting to help remind me that I really do have a good and enjoyable life today and I should spend more time living like I do. I also need to spend more time trying to improve on the things in our lives so that all of us have the benefit of right and privilege if we so desire to lay claim to it.

Day two hundred (#200)

Today is my two hundredth straight blog posting since I started on January 31st. Although not quite one everyday. I missed on day 3 and made up for it on day four with two postings. Either way this is still quite an accomplishment for me since I have had to try to keep my postings at a level worthy of someone else actually wanting to read it. I have been able, within a twenty-four hour cycle, to reconstitute my thinking to exhibit a growth of sorts from comfortable thought patterns to objective limited dissections of current events and philosophical points of view. With objectivity being my goal I have been somewhat successful but at other times my own personal code of principled thinking would or should not be everyone Else's standard. I don't advertise my thoughts as some order that must be followed by everyone, I just throw out there my take on a particular subject and hope that my take will be considered amongst others and hopefully help someone else to be able to form their own opinion. My only hope and desire for my blog is that in some one's life I have helped in some small way for them to be able to think for them self. Again I will say this, I don't want to tell you what to think I only wish to help you how to think for yourself. That is the greatest gift any of us can give to society, the ability to think for ourselves. To make our rationales for why we think and do for ourselves. Our individual persons have to be informed through possibilities and logical rationales, however the heart and gut of us often teach us that intuition and caring sometimes supercedes logic. Life is a tough road to navigate, but with effort it can be mostly an enjoyable and rewarding journey.

The fear of rejection (#199)

The fear of rejection. What a powerful negative emotion. It seems that the fear of rejection has a strong influence in how we allow ourselves to react and to be seen as being. As if our guarded measured attempts will somehow reduce the chances that we are rejected for being our normal selves. It may seem that strategies to be less ourselves and more commonly normal reduce the chances of rejection but the evidence in my life only shows that I have forestalled the rejection. Eventually, time catches up with my clever strategies to appear less myself and then the process of rejection again poses it's outcome. I am very tired of wasting my time trying to be something or someone whom I am not and shall continue to be myself with all the vigor I possess. I find it satisfying that I can now oversee the fear of rejection for what it is. A manifest ego-run to be all things to all people. That will never do and rejection by some will naturally occur because of the diversity we exhibit. Fear can only come into play when logic has not been applied to a certain set of circumstances. Being honest and thinking through my life will allow me the ability to live my life to my most normal self. I don't need to conform to combat rejection, I need to embrace my differences and let the present and the future determine itself.

Building my confidence (#198)

I find myself in positions of authority lately and I wonder to myself if I am capable of being proficient at them. It seems to me that life experience is worth a lot when determining my particular qualifications. I sense that I don't see myself with the same respect others do since they keep asking me to take on more responsibilities. I must just do the best I can whenever I can and then let time tell if I am capable or not. Having confidence has always been a detriment to me since I know that I am not nearly perfect and I thought other people were. I have since discovered that we are all about the same and most of us struggle with having the confidence to feel like we are continually capable. So I have lately been working on the assumption that there is no challenge out there that I can't accept as long as I give the respect to the challenge it demands. Everyday I am becoming more of the man who I hope to eventually represent. This struggle to build my confidence is just another step in that process.

The Human Experience (#197)

What amazing adaptable creatures we are. How we have come to survive as long as we have so far is a testament to our struggle to surmount any threat to our existence. The awesome raw nature of our planet and the solar consequences that influence the surface of this Earth, combine to limit the type of species that are capable of surviving within it's environment. Of course, this conclusion is based on human thinking with limited human knowledge as to all things possible. However, With what humanity does know, the ability of our human race to continue is remarkable and should be noted as such. I have only written of the external, tangible difficulties. We as a human race are endowed also with a portion of reason that could well have ended in our self-destruction. It would appear that from an overall perspective our inclination toward peace and harmony is stronger than our impulses toward chaos and destruction. We find ways to cope with the things that would depress us from some unfulfilled, imagined, deserve or right. We adapt, from our emotions, from our desires and from our expectations. We are a hearty lot, with an amazing capacity to survive through any and all attacks to our existence. We are a hearty lot indeed.

Old friends (#196)

I have been on a road trip for the past two days temporarily moving from Sacramento, California to Alamogordo, New Mexico. As I was passing through Albuquerque, New Mexico I was able to spend the night with my brother-in-law, George. I haven't seen George since 1982, just before he got married and moved away. The 27 years that have gone by didn't seem to allow us to stay in touch for whatever reasons. It is somewhat coincidental that the social network of Facebook has allowed us to reconnect and get back into each others lives. The people who are still around who I grew up with share old memories with me that reminds us of happy, sad and different growing instances that helped shape our lives. To me these old friends will always hold a special place in my heart because we cared enough to be friends with each other when making and keeping friends was always precarious. Seeing old friends again also reminds me of how fast time moves and how far along we have come with our lives. I had a great 12 hours with my old friend George, who took the time to have me stay with him. Our long standing friendship has now been reinforced by our willingness to go out of our way to stay in touch.

Grand Canyon (#195)

Wow. The greatest image of raw natural beauty and color is captured in one humongous space that we call the Grand Canyon. Never in any imagination does a picture do justice to the image the actual eye gets see. Wow, I am astounded by the majesty and incredible size our Grand canyon exhibits. Every human being on this Earth should look at this place with their own eyes. I am just speechless and in awe. The event that caused the Grand Canyon to come into being is beyond me. Wow, I will never get tired of saying wow. The colors within the focus of the total canyon is dazzling. The assortment of hues and shades is mind-numbing. I have not seen all the wonders of this world, but I would be surprised if any of the others can have the effect on me that the Grand Canyon does. I am traveling on this day so this posting will be about my absolute astonishment the Grand Canyon displays. I have also been on the road for the last 20 hours or so with very little sleep, so This post will have none of my usual conversation about principles or ideas. Suffice it to say that I am still processing the wonder we call the Grand Canyon.

Trust to Fate (#194)

I know that this venue is becoming less and less popular with folks because of Facebook and twitter and Myspace etc... but regardless I will continue to remain loyal to making a posting everyday. This post helps me clarify my thoughts and form new ideas about how I see the world on a day to day basis. Plus, anyone who cared to, would be able to read between the lines and get a real good idea about how my life is being lived and how I am doing on a consistent basis. Living with the emotions I have within me that I can do nothing about is maddening in a sense. My heart aches for someone but there is nothing more I can do except than to accept or trust my fate to my God. In the past I would have manipulated or alienated in order to get what I needed or wanted. Today, I just know how I feel and expressed it in a way that was genuine and vulnerable. The rest is not for me to intervene in, but to let the forces of time and circumstance dictate their outcome. I often think of an abbreviated quote from Wm. Shakespeare that goes like this "The whirligig of time..." Truly the whirl of time and circumstance with all of us practicing our free-will at the same time will tell the story of what happens only upon looking to the past as the record of it. Fate and destiny are a hope that will produce what they will, not necessarily what I will. I am prepared for reality with the honest conviction that forces beyond me know more about what recorded history will tell than anything I might try to make happen through the force of my will. I know this much though, what has been given to me inside my heart and my guts is not trivial and has a purpose. What that purpose is will be revealed either by me or by someone else. Good luck to us all.

The misconception of perception (#193)

To my detriment, I was raised to view some people and some ideas as lesser than myself. I was acculturated to believe that privilege was a right that came with a way of thinking and by the physical appearance of my genetic code. When I was young and impressionable I was susceptible to prejudicial and biased thinking. Simply because I didn't know any better. Ignorance on my part is and will never be an excuse but it at least explains my naivete toward early learning. Since I am a child of my society however, I have come to realize the fallacious views my early acculturation stood upon. The only privilege anyone is entitled to is not by birth or mindset but by hard work and caring sacrifice. The openness toward learning based on a logical reasoning is what I value and will defend in the onslaught of selfishness and selfishness' expressions. Our society is not perfect, it is designed to enhance equality, liberty and freedom to all of it's citizens. Establishing certain basic fundamental rights at the foundation of our society are being debated and slowly implemented over time. How much of a duty of care do we owe each individual within society? This question will continue to find it's answer as time goes by. In the meantime does the ability of society to provide security and opportunity for those who are successful within society, give a pass or negate their responsibility to improve the same society that benefits them? The morality involved in answering this question is upon each individual. Having a perspective or perception based upon values and facts should give us an answer.

New adventures (#192)

Today, I find myself preparing to begin a new adventure which is going to take me away from most of the things that I am familiar with. I will be leaving behind the way of life I have established for myself these last few years. I have just overhauled my behavior toward a new way of approaching life. I have gotten rid of some relationships that were not on an equal footing and I have added new relationships that are. I don't go to the same type of places anymore or wake and sleep on the same old schedule either. My cognition about how I think has moved on as well. My whole life has been remodeled after one thought. How can I be a better person to everyone else. Since I am about to embark on a new adventure that is going to take me away from my new life here, I must find a way to continue where I am going. I will assess my new surroundings when I get there and see how I might best fit in. I always have the Internet to communicate with my friends here but as always it will not quite be the same. Life presents it's twist to my fate and I am humbled by the opportunities my life brings in front of me. I have free will choice whether to leave or not but discretion in tough economic times largely negate any other choice that is available to me at this time. So with a happy but a little saddened heart I am off to enjoy and make the best of my new adventure.

My most valuable gift is a relationship (#191)

Everything I have acquired over time that is a material item is worthless when compared with my relationships with other people and my creator. All the things money can buy do not measure up to the value I place on my relationships. When I was younger I got caught up in the race to acquire material items and I assumed that they were the priority over everything else. I have since found out that they are cold, unfeeling, inanimate objects whose only pleasure I receive is when I am being selfish and egoistical. When I share them with others in my life there is a sense of good satisfaction but only because someone else is involved. It became obvious to me, even though I am a loner of sorts, that my relationships gave me a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction than any object I previously was willing to go to any length to attain. Now my only goal for my life is to improve and add to relationships with life and my concept of my personal creator. A peace has entered my life since I have found the path for me to journey through life. Maybe my maturity from selfishness has opened my eyes to how I see the world today, I am not sure but I am glad that I see life through the eyes of my heart instead of the eyes of my greed for material things.

Truth telling (#190)

Tell the truth and let the present and the future be what it is truly supposed to be. The simple way to live life. No lies, no omissions of truths or lies, just tell the truth and let everything be what it is. When my present slips into the past I want to be able to focus on the present and future not the truth or validity of what my past experience is or is not. I know a man who was a tree logger who used to say that the best way to do anything is to do it right, that way you never have to go back to fix it. The simple life. Our human natures are fundamentally, or in another word, simply good. Trusting to let our natures be revealed to all is difficult because of the survival instinct to not open ourselves to being exposed or vulnerable. Difficulty, no matter in what area of our lives, is an obstacle to be overcome. "What we obtain to cheaply, we esteem to lightly"-Thomas Paine. The inverse of this quote from Mr. Paine is equally true. Overcoming difficulty is such a reward because whenever the struggle is mighty the victory over it is deeply satisfying. I feel a harmony within myself when I am simply honest. This harmony extends to my relationships and to the Planet that I live on. I have found a path worthy of following and it starts by being honest and living honestly.

Trust (#189)

Now this is the subject that I need to work on the most, in order to get it to a level where I won't let doubt work into my life. I need to believe with the trust of the innocent that fairness, justice and gifts from God are truly meant to be. It seems that all my life I have been prone to quitting on something because it didn't happen when I thought it should. Or I misread some clue or circumstance and allowed myself to anguish over it like some character in a dramatic scene. I have to trust and be patient if anything worthwhile in my life is ever going to have a chance to come to fruition. Once again I am reminded that when I start to feel any emotion or gut sensation that is not in tune with happiness and joy then I am not where I need to be. I must recognize, as quickly as possible, that doubt or fear has entered into my thinking and that is not what I believe is what my life should have in it. If I pray and then contemplate on the wishes and desires of my heart instead, I have a better chance of getting back to the, emotional and cognitive, positive thought patterns that I do expect of myself. I am my own worst enemy at times because I still think that I am in control. I am not in control, I am only one part in many parts being experienced and my wishes and hopes aren't the only ones whose destiny is being played out. I shall continue to trust in the things of principled honor and the highest of values associated with human integrity. It is the greatest gift just to be alive.

It is up to me to define myself. (#188)

I am me and who me is, is up to me to present to the world. That first sentence is a mouth full. Not only in how I wrote it but in it's meaning. The hardest part of learning how to be me was to find the courage to let me be me, without worrying how that looked to everyone else. What I found out is that how I look to myself is what I needed to worry about. I am the best judge of who I am and should never let appearances determine how I present myself. That's where the courage part comes in. My life used to be dictated by cliches and norms that my friends and I developed in response to peer pressure and prideful desires. I spent many years trying to live under a set of determinations based upon how I was perceived instead of how I actually was. When those superficial determinations no longer applied to the image I was trying to present myself as, I was left with very little of substance to be judged by. When I think of the movie entitled "Hollow Man" I think of who I had let myself become, a man with very little to offer. When I began to reacquaint myself with who I was inside me without the influences of peer pressure and selfish desires I discovered a gentle soul who truly wishes to see everyone enjoy their lives to the fullest with a calm and a peace I wish for myself. The courage to present myself to the world, regardless of some imagined vulnerability I would display, has been difficult but rewarding. I have found that I am worthy of being who I am with all my heart and soul. I have also discovered the joy and love my heart has been trying to share with me for so very long.

God (#187)

I recently had a chance to talk to a man about how my spirituality was going. I told him that I have accepted the fact that spirituality in my life is a settled issue. I also told him that I was happy and that my internal happiness is ultimately a significant goal for me to achieve. He told me that he was still seeking spirituality and asked me how I came to accept spirituality. What I told him was that I have come to a place in my life where I don't waste time doubting the existence of spirituality of a God or some Creator form. The evidence all around me in life forms and terrestrial observances have settled the issue for me in a way I was never able to conclude before. The miracle of existence and all that is within it hasn't changed so much as I have changed in my evaluation of it. Previously, I would have said that existence is random and could have come about on it's own. I held this position for a long time. What has changed for me is that between the life forms and the terrestrial landscape there is an exquisite observable harmony, which makes it impossible for me to conclude that random or chaotic events could have been infinitely complex enough to have generated, and then nurtured, into a continuing process, the present delicate balance our existence maintains. Then I told him the most basic and fundamental of my reasons to believe in some higher level of order, it feels right in my gut. My gut is the tell all with me. It is where all things come to me in such an emotional way that to pass my gut "test" goes a long way toward me accepting the "test" as true for me. And simply, I am happy. Accepting a God or Creator in the form of spirituality, not like in the normal human dogmatic manner, but in a satisfying one that has given me a happiness that fills my life with goodness.

Vertebrate, Exoskeleton and Mollusk (#186)

Of the three varying life forms that inhabit our planet, invertebrates currently have an advantage to survive in that we are able to leave Earth and possibly inhabit another planet. That is a slight advantage but an advantage nonetheless. All three life forms have shown a remarkable ability to survive varying attacks on their existences. Be it volcanic, earthquake, glacier, land formation, varying temperatures the life force within the three species leads me to consider that an individual internal force is in operation within all three life forms. The vertebrate form has within it's categories, us, the human species. As a human, I know that we have a capacity to reason and theorize out into the possibilities time's future can bring. With this ability we prepare for some of the consequences of the future in order to protect our species. Since I am not of the other life forms I cannot specifically know what their abilities are in preparing for survival but the fact that they do survive and adapt offers some evidence of an ability to survive. Three very hardy species, worthy of respecting each other, regardless of our inner prejudices or conclusions of the other two types of species being lesser. My feelings are that since I cannot create a being of any type, I am not allowed to destroy any beings. I still fall short of this feeling of mine but at the least I am conscious of it and attempt to follow it's karmic sense. Reality and existence are what they are NOT what I want them to be. I am here just enjoying the ride of life with the gratitude I think is worthy of the why, and why not of the happening that is going on while I am alive.

Keeping my heart happy (#185)

I am so glad that I am not in charge of my fate. It would hold no special emotion if I got everything I wanted when I wanted it. What I am truly grateful for is my enduring spirit and sense of right. Whether I ever get the thing I want most in this world is yet to be determined but I will continue to persevere after it with a calm and hopeful attitude. Fate has it's own timing to make something happen or not, and today I wait on that with the hopeful expectation of a man who knows that all things work toward a purpose greater than anything I can imagine. I also know that the desires I have today come from the goodness that rules the universe and my heart and mind are clear to this fact. I no longer think of what I want, I think about the impulse and impetus my wishes seem to carry me through. I also know that strong emotional feelings don't necessarily originate from my mind when they are right they are felt throughout my being with such conviction as to eliminate them from any selfish purpose on my part. Today I was privileged to hear of the struggle out in life that affects us where we live. Just another reminder that we are a part of something that will play itself out no matter who is affected by it. An awesome experience being a part of existence. My responsibility is to know what is happening with me and making that effective to all I come into contact with. When I think of others first, my life gets better and that is what makes my heart happy.

Letting go of the past (#184)

I meet with like-minded people often so that we can share our experiences, strength and hopes with each other. I love this group I am a part of and continue to have things shown to me that lift my mind and spirit. Today was a day for remembering something from my past that I am going to have an opportunity to put action toward. Most all of my life this particular resentment has been at the back of my mind and it is time that I let it go. I will be making a visit to a grave site when I travel to New Mexico later this month. I need to have a conversation with someone who died over 45 years ago. This man was my biological father. He left my mother and four young boys behind when he chose to end his life. His troubles may have been over but he left us with a handful of troubles to deal with because of his actions. After all this time I can finally put to rest the animosity I have buried deep inside me. It's okay today to let the past go because my present and my future is all I wish to experience. My mother and brothers and I have all moved on and become who we are despite the shortcomings we started out with. My heart today is so full of forgiveness that I would be wrong not to find some love for my deceased biological father. (Careful what you wish for because you might just get it) has been going through my mind all morning and I feel like that what I wish for today are things I truly hope will happen for me. Letting go of the past will help me find my way to a present and future worthy of my living in.

Calm before the storm (#183)

The last few days have been very quiet and peaceful for me currently in my bachelor state. My animals, dog and cat, have been very much into their own routines so I am pretty much left to do whatever lazy thing I want. Oftentimes, I hear that boredom is peace and I also agree with that statement. I have been comfortably bored by my standards. I will enjoy this quiet time as exquisitely as I can because the pattern in my life has been extreme. Either quiet and sedate or busy with pressure to achieve. The busy with pressure to achieve is coming up within the next few weeks and I want to be well rested and anxious to start. I will be ready for that after I spend some more time relaxing and having fun with the people I hang out with. This next busy time will take me away from home for a stretch of time and I need to maximize my awareness of everything around me even though I am trying to rest up. My animals will be looked after by my friends and my domicile will not have me in it for many months. I like sleeping in my own bed, there is some comfort in being familiar with my surroundings. It always boils back down to making financial ends meet and I acquiesce to this reality. However, I am sacrificing some things I dearly wish have in my life on a constant basis. I will continue to do what is necessary to maintain my current existence because there is a hope within me that magical moments are still out there for me.