What I tell myself (#820)

I am the only one who knows what I tell myself. My secret thoughts that never get out to the light of day. The things I say in public and in private are complexities that have been formed from the simple inner secret thoughts I hold. This is a fact, who I am in my secret world is who I truly am. I can polish myself up for public viewing and live with an illusion I present to the outside world. Most everyone does that. I have done that in the past and occasionally in the present as well. I have faults and I am working on correcting them. How say you? Are you in the same transformative state that I am working within as well? Or are your secret thoughts still the dominant feature as to who you really are? I am better than my secret thoughts and I will tell you why! When thoughts come to me that are not worthy of anyone else knowing, I disregard them. I do not mull over them or tell myself I am not worthy of life because rotten thoughts enter my head. I just let them go away much like temptation. If I abandon them on the spot and tell myself that these thoughts are not positive but negative, they go away. Certainly all of us have at times thoughts that are worthless or even harmful. The trick is to ignore them and replace them with an alternative thought that is more in line with positive principles. I am really in control of my being. I can accept some rationales that want to define me as only a vessel or I can move to a greater position and define myself by what I think I should be. This is the world I live in now, not the secret world where my thoughts are better hidden from view because I do not have the insight or courage to dismiss them and still think of myself as worthy.

I am a man of my time (#819)

Now is my time, not some other wishful thought of some other time. I am here now and must be all in on that. I often talk about being in the present and that is important to me. The level of my present is normally my close surrounding and interactions. but I am also present on the larger scale as well. The world around me needs my input as much as it needs all of our input. I realize that I cannot just be a bystander in the progression of our history we are now making. I have to bring to bear all of my abilities in a concerted way to be most effective. I also must think in terms of effort and not in terms of time. Time will take care of itself but effort has to come from within me. I am a part of reality and as such have a duty to be heard within reality. Some obstacles may be placed in my way, as we have been known to do to each other, but that should never be an excuse to abdicate my voice to silence. Being aware of this duty, to be a part of the present, in a way that helps validate my own personal existence is the first priority. With this first acknowledgment toward action, I realize that all of us have a stake in the activities surrounding us. My part will be based on what I bring to the discussion and what I can do as far as action is concerned. How do I know what to do? I pay attention to what our society is doing and thinking. I also have a core set of honorable principles that help guide me like care, decency, justice to name a few. When I am applied, as a possible vessel for solution, to the circumstances around me I get to become the change for the better that my life is intended to reflect. I am a man of my time and my time is now. What I do everyday should denote this for anyone to view.

It's not the color of one's skin, it is the character beneath it (#818)

So much is made of the difference between the color of our skin that I must say something on this. As a man who believes all humans who have, despite the survival instinct, two inherent traits within us, curiosity and compassion, I must say that the basis in deciding whether someone is more worthy of opportunity over another rings hollow. It is as if a keen awareness is given to a lack of resource and a me first attitude takes over. We are not at our best when we only think of ourselves first. Some again will disagree and say we should all be out for ourselves. those that do remind me of a hard and brutish world given to greed and manipulation, instead of the way it should be, with compassion and curiosity. I conjecture that the lack of compassion and curiosity is the reason for lesser, more base instincts, displayed as ruthless and uncaring, that take over our natures and turn us against one another. This is not a competition. All of us have been given the gift of life. What we do with it is now up to us and not just to the whim of privilege or historical acceptabilities. We are the new and fresh face of humanity. Our generations together have a say and a stake in how our planet evolves with us. The mysticisms and fear based binders that have held us in chains no longer are valid to our logical minds. When we see one of us we should automatically know that we are worthy of respect. I give respect to everyone, not everyone accepts that respect and that is reality. Certainly, I do not re-offer respect to those who would abuse it but that is on them and not on me. I do what I am supposed to do, without assumption or prejudgment. It is amazing how many times my respecting of others has come right back at me from them. Humans are of all different forms and that we are human is our link to each other. That is our blessing!

Objective knowledge helps us grow into wisdom (#817)

When I can look at the knowledge I gain with an objective perspective, I am giving myself the best chance to being able to be wise about how that knowledge is applied. In a less strict sense, I am able to understand common sense, applied to circumstances, in a better way. Certainly, experiencing similar circumstances elevates my ability to being wise in a particular way but generally it is of less value unless I am able to gauge my knowledge objectively within a pattern. That pattern is becoming very clear to me and it is through perception of knowledge, objectively. There are a lot of Sunday morning quarterbacks, to use a cliche, who on Saturday think what they know is best based upon factors less objective and more subjective. There is no easy way to get to becoming wise. I say this because I have tried and of course failed miserably. Not that I am the only one who has had this failing experience with trying to get something without doing the real work to achieve it. When it comes to wisdom, it is even more difficult since it requires an amalgamation of things concurrently for it to show itself. Knowledge, experience, gut feeling and objective outlook. How are these attained without work and practice. I will say that there is one more vital element of character that seems to be exhibited by many examples of wise people we have recorded in our history and that is a humility of character. I started this post out with the idea that objective knowledge is a powerful way to achieve wisdom and it is, however like so many other things in our existence it is not the only tool. Regardless, unless I find myself in agreement with looking at knowledge with the eye of innocence, with no prejudgment or condition, I have not allowed myself the foundation for building on truth as best I can know, which is essential in being honest and clear for someone who seeks out, hopefully, my wise counsel.

My memories and their hope (#816)

I get to have memories. Just thinking about having memories makes me realize that I am who I am because of them. Can you imagine being a human without having any memories? I am not sure I could be human, at least not like I am today. This is what happens occasionally, I think of a topic and begin to type and the wildest thoughts begin to enter my head. Memories have a significance with me since they allow me to remember the simpler time of my youth. That is where I like to go with my memories. Why? It is because those were the formative times in my life and remind me of how I started out on the path I am currently on. Back before I was confused with the complexities that came afterward, I was seeing a world with bright possibilities, without any cynicism. Everything was possible. I still feel that way now after having been blinded to that for much of my middle years. I have come back full circle to where I was when my innocence still was my outlook. I have pretty much chewed up 39 years playing in the wind with no direction, except my own satisfactions. But a wonderful thing happened to me. Through circumstances of situations I have been allowed another chance of living my life like the idealist and optimist I had always been meant to be. I am still a work in progress on that front but I am heading down that path with an eager confidence. I owe it all to my memories and what they have reminded me. I have and will remain a proponent of the contention that we are all born into this existence innocent. It is only through family situations and inculturation that we lose our innocence and become something less than that. I am fortunate to realize this scenario and now have taken time to remember what it is that is good about me and begin to live that instead of what selfish thing I can do for myself.

My intent is who I am (#815)

Let there be no doubt. I do not always perform, accomplish or act the way I intend for it to be. That does not change the fact of my intent. I bring this up since it does go to the heart of why I do what I do. I know who I am within me and the outer expression of that is what I try to show. Not always successful but never confuse my reason. That sounds a bit arrogant in that I could be just lying in order to advance some secret ulterior agenda, but it is not what I am doing. My heart would be on my sleeve if I could reasonably leave it there. There is nothing on this planet worth throwing my soul away. I am an idealist in the way of honor. I have found that living at the highest level of truth and noble principle is what I want for myself and anyone else who believes the same. I have tried the other selfish modalities and they left me unsatisfied and disgraced within my soul. Life is about learning and learn I did in this area of who I am and who I want to be. This has always been there for me but apparently in my case I needed to try the wrong stuff in order to gain the perspective of how to do the right stuff. Unfortunately, that has been my road. I am not that person any longer and the person I am becoming is strong of conviction to objectivity and and the curiosity that requires. I am also a human, no different than any other human in the respect to life. I care about us more now than ever before because I get it that we are all the same, separated only by our divisive actions. I care about us as much as I care about myself. In this I have found a calming peace of belonging. My intent is established, I care and I wonder, simple! I know many of you can say the same thing about your intent and who you are and I hope there will be many, many more.

The patience of time (#814)

I do feel this, although it is more of a psychic feel than an emotional one. To express it is to say that I can feel the ticking of each second and yet not hear the sound of it. I am aware as I can be most every moment. In that awareness of every moment is the calm patience of time. I had in the past rushed through life as on a schedule or in order to not miss something I deemed of value. I do not do that nearly as much anymore. I still do get caught up in certain paces of time that are not the best for me but I am human and an imperfection on display by me is nothing of any significance to anyone but me. Or so I hope! lol. I must always consider what my actions are doing on a larger front then just my own. Back to the patience of time though, I understand how important life should be within contexts and I know the ramifications to all of us to do our part in ways that are not always predictable. But I also know that a time for measured thoughts and actions can and should be my greatest goal. Time will be what it is and so will I. What shape and form that I takes is what I am forming, even now in this post. Time will stay consistent whether I want to rush it or procrastinate it. I am the one who needs to mold to the frame of time that is best and most productive to others and myself. I am starting to understand the congruency of my life and how I am interacting with time. It is not so clear yet, hence the unknown direction I still need to find in my quest to be at one with time. It is me that needs to make myself malleable to time and the sooner I get busy with working through this the better I will be as a man and as a human being.

The necessity of humor (#813)

It has taken me some time to find this morning's subject but found it I have. Recently some humor has been applied to some serious stuff and some have not been able to transcend that gap from serious to pressure release humor. I understand since often I am in no mood for humor when I am on a rant or feeling powerfully upset by an existing situation. One thing I have learned though and that is this; when I am uncomfortable with something I need to stop and look at it from a different perspective. I eventually realize that humor gives me that different perspective. I guess it is all about timing with me and that is my dilemma. I often feel so stubbornly about things that I refuse to see that I can do very little regardless of my "mood". I look at humor like a bridge I can take to get from one place to another. It helps to relieve my anxiety while showing me that life is about more than just taking a stand. Life is about caring and having fun, while learning and having new ideas. There is a time and place for everything and me choosing when that time and place is for those around me is wrong of me. I guess it all boils down to my perception of what I think. Right there I have nailed my problem, since rarely is anything about what I think. I am finding the easier softer way to living and expressing myself but it is a work in progress. I have to be able to adapt to circumstances when they get so headstrong that no room to maneuver is left. Conversely, like this morning and my ability to make myself vulnerable to a virus on Facebook. I get to go from talking about a rant I may have about some subject to holding my hat in my hand and asking people to have pity on my poor soul for being the vessel of spreading a virus. Life is a quirky little thing is it not? My attempt at humor. lol.

Expectations lead to fear (#812)

Life is hard enough with it's known's and unknowns without adding to it through having expectations. I am not saying one should not plan for the present and future but to place expectations on those plans can be harmful and full of fear. As an example, I have a feeling within me I have no control over. It is a gift within me and I accept it. However, for me to have some expectation of destiny or fate for it to come to fruition is not healthy. I get to experience life not dictate it. It has been a long road for me to get to this point where I understand that I am just a participant here in existence not the master of existence. As such, I am only as good as my part within existence. If I feel like I deserve or am due some thing outside myself then I have just stepped beyond my objectivity. I will have created some scenario that is dependent on the whim of chaos and uncertainty. What is eventual, for me, is that if I allow myself to expect something that my mind or heart may deem due me, I have just moved into the realm where fear of not getting it or someone else getting it will appear. Most assuredly fear does envelope me with it's unsatisfying presence. I am at a stage in my life now where when fear does descend upon me I can recognize if an expectation brought it to me. Just knowing that I cause my own fear through trying to take something that is not given to me has given me an antidote to abate and recede fear of this form. In a recent example, I felt fear over a circumstance, realized the circumstance was based in expectation, released myself from the expectation and the fear diminished altogether. I must always stay in the present and have no expectation of what will be, even as to myself. I have to trust that who I am inside me will appear regardless of whether I am afraid of whom that will look like.

Facing truth (#811)

This post is more about admitting I am wrong than facing the truth. But to get to the point of admitting I am wrong I must first be willing to face the truth. I know not one single person who enjoys being wrong. I know few people who readily admit it when they do know they have been wrong. At least at first, usually there is some attempt at justification or blame. Eventually though most come around and contrition does express itself. It is without exception though that a few will not ever give in to facing the truth. For whatever reason, living within the boundaries of incomplete information is more acceptable than to see outside the illogic. I have tried to understand this dilemma with my own experiences at doing it but I still come up short since I have always come around to objectivity or possibility. Never have I stayed in the absolute impossibility of me being wrong. I can only conjecture that ego or belief system will not allow any other "truth" to exist. I will not try to psychoanalyze or give my common sense opinion on reasons for not accepting truths but I do say that illogic of some form has taken deep root. Most of us can accept being wrong with a sense that life is bigger than all of us and knowing most all things correctly is mostly impossible. We learn through our mistakes as all of us have proven numerous times. The ability to adapt to the ever changing and ever informing culture we live within has been a luxury we need to acknowledge. Our culture allows us to be wrong, especially if we are able to move forward toward something that is correct. We encourage knowing and evaluating. We do however stop at encouraging illogic as a policy. Instead we encourage correcting false assumptions or premises for the goal of understanding the true premises on to which we build our conclusions. All this to say that if you cannot admit you are wrong when you are wrong, how will you ever be right?

Why should I care? (#810)

When I first started this blog, my title was "why should I care?". It is interesting to me that this is the first time this question is to become a post title. I have been meditating about this, this morning and how I feel and this is what has made itself known to me. For the record, mostly this is how I choose my post titles and subject matter. I meditate and then something will overwhelm me or become clear as a subject. Why should I care? First, it is because, I do! My nature is to care and care I will. I have fought long and hard against who I am and I am done fighting against myself. Life, things and places have a connection with me, therefore, that I give them the due they allow me is a necessity for me. The rest is up to me and I am up to the task. I just care! I suppose it is my emotional state rising up and making itself duly noticed by me. That is okay, especially since the caring of things has a true sense to me. I am fulfilling the nature within me when I care. In other words, in answer to the title question, I have to, it is who I am. Second, being who I am is not up for debate any longer. Like, do I be me or do I be someone or something else! No more debate, I will be me with all that goes with being me. It is the truth of who I am and that will be my legacy. I have never been so peaceful about letting myself express the things that make up who I am. Of course, I will always be mostly respectful, I am only human, wherever, and whenever possible, to others' points of view. I demand my own individual perspective to be respected as well as I should demand that I respect others' perspectives as well. Life is so much more enjoyable now that I have understood what I should be doing with my own. I let myself experience the circumstances around me with both eyes facing toward caring about what is happening. Then I think, act or react accordingly.

Have I forgotten how to live? (#809)

Resignation and acceptance, neither appeals to me anymore! It is inescapable that for a time I felt no motivation or impetus to follow through with my convictions about what I knew was wrong. Resignation and acceptance. Sadly so many of us are there. We have things to lose and the cost of gambling with those preciously perceived items is illogical. Or so many of us believed. The truth of the matter is similar to those who stand by waiting for someone else to do the hard and sometimes dirty work. Mostly it does not get done and then we realize that we have just lost a little bit more of who we are. Resignation and acceptance. I am recalling the time in my life when the rebel in me was all I was and the change that has taken place has nullified me as to the hollow man I really have become. No more resignation and acceptance. The trinkets and compromised standards I cherished of late are not what they appear to be. They are just an illusion of another greater illusion that had a status attached to it. I fell into the trap of deception where the important things of life were dismissed as inconsequential, to the fake things of life which were heralded on high. A bait and switch of reality took place and I fell for it. It is only when I began to look inward into who I am that I began to see the true reality from the fake one. Values have indestructible foundations. They are unchangeable as to genesis. Yet I found a way to distort the very thing I have always hungered for in order to feel at home in a place of illusion. As the blinders and fetters have been removed I am now allowed to participate in my own life on my own set of truths and principles. The illusion has been shattered and the reality of my life within the world as it really is has found me again.

I am my reality (#808)

Knowing that I am my reality is the beginning of knowing of who I am. I must start with me. Just as you must start with you. Nothing else should be considered. No outside force or expectation. I must look within me to see what is the driving force of my existence. My blog has as it's definition certain instincts I call the only true human instincts. Setting aside what I think for a moment about them, here is what I did to get to where I am. I thought about what matters to me. Love being the first thing that came to my mind. I feel such a connection to others through emotion. The love I was surrounded by with my family when I was young was a real positive force that gave me the experience to trust love and want to share it with others. Because of love, caring for others was just a logical extension. That is not the only thing I found when I looked into myself to see who I am. I also found an inquisitiveness. I had a hunger to know about the existence I am a part of. I still do and the same with love. Lastly, I looked and found that I was afraid of death and the misery associated with it. It is logical as a young child who sees life as a gift to fear having that gift taken away. I had to wrestle with and eventually defeat the fear of dying by actually accepting that it would eventually happen and is part of what it is to be alive. All of that to say that I found the will to survive. So much so that my instincts to protect myself came naturally. Survival, caring and curiosity. The three elements that make up me are the things I see when I look inside me. Now that I know who I am I can move on to being who I am and always feel secure in the fact that I have a solid foundation beneath me to base any and all thought and action on. Now, you may ask, what about the bad stuff I can see within myself? Just remember, we are all born innocent. When the good has been denied to have a place within us, the bad will fill the void. It is true of me and you as well. What I am referring to is our true nature, not one that exists by default.

Being (#807)

I am present today and I know who I am. You may say, well you have always been present, what do you mean? I mean that I am aware of all my thoughts and actions. I am not daydreaming through the days of my life anymore. I care about every moment I have instead of whiling them away on irrelevancies. It is easy today for me to have tolerance and patience with those who have not "arrived" like I have because I was guilty of their same mindsets. What I can do though is focus on me and make sure that the past episodes of nullified care I presented have no more place in my life. I am being here, right now, in the present. Not the past or the future but the present. It is hard work! lol. I may understand more now about why I chose to be less present in the past because of the diligence and purpose being in the present required of me. I have some remorse for my lack of attention to reality as I should have but I am where I am and that is a wonderful thing going further into my present. The more I keep myself facing what is directly ahead of me the better my past starts to look. What you say? Well every new moment I add to my past actually improves my past. Adding to the betterment of my past is just a side benefit and not the principle reason. Making my present better is. I understand now the ethic involved in wanting to improve on who I am. I know who I am and I am not subjective about it. I see, through objectivity, my shortcomings and continued behavioural defaults. But as time goes on and through vigilance I am able to adjust my shortcomings to make better outcomes and recognize my character defaults in order to begin changes to my behaviour. You see the "being" I want to be is a work in progress toward the honorable principled ideals I have always known were meant for me and the time for rebellion against them is over.

Race as a value (#806)

I am uneasy about writing this post as it exposes our perceptions about one another in a way I would never consider enlightened. As you may know I am a big proponent of learning and changing. As to the different races we have within our cultures of humans, I would have thought that the distinctions we previously assumed, before investigation of our differences, would have become more of a similarity realization with the emergence of new technology and science. Our global interactions should have at the least exposed the myth that we are not all the same. However, I am aware of the continuing devaluation of some races over others. Their are pockets of communities and associations that actually to this day refuse to believe what science and environmental paradigms contradict. It is as if another plane of thought has given more value to separating us as to different classes, which is greater than the merging truths do to valuing us as egalitarians. A step to an older time of elitism where the ego of self overruled the obvious instincts we all share. It is disturbing to me that an undercurrent of mindset, in being prejudicial about others, is kept as a unspoken principle for living. Most, of course, will deny when confronted, which according to their actions belie them, that they are anything but believers in equality. How unfortunate it is for us to get at the root of the classification of race concept when very few are honest enough to actually admit it. Race isn't the only category we have problems with, power is another. But for now the idea that we cannot accept our differences as a pleasant diversity, has my attention. The depths at which fear has integrated our psyches is unfortunate and the only way to overcome this learned behaviour of fearing each other is to face it and call it out for what it is.

Curiosity and compassion (#805)

The purpose of my life. I do only have these two general conditions within me. I wonder and I care. Everything else is just life within these paradigms. There is one disclaimer though and that being my will to survive. I keep that anomaly off to the side as it's own generality but it can be placed within both compassion and curiosity as well. I know this is difficult for most to accept as serious. I will try to explain how it works for me. In curiosity, exists reason, logic, intuition and both the discovered and undiscovered. My thoughts and actions are an extension of my curiosity. Instinctively, I am drawn to life like a moth to flame, it is my nature to want to know. Not always has this been the case as I lost my way and I let ego convince me that I didn't need to know and was more worthy than others. That changed, thank goodness, and in the process of leaving that illusion I rediscovered my nature to learn, hence curiosity. As to compassion, which I give as a definition for all emotion, there exists my attachment to the universe. Not only am I a free thinking man capable of holding an intelligent conversation within acceptable norms but I am also a man who feels a connectivity to his place in existence through a sense of belonging. My emotions have instilled within me a confidence of purpose to be friendly and helpful to most every extreme. I am also able to hold out hope for my irrational, at times, feelings on a very personal level. Neither of my two general instincts have a sway over me as to one over the other. Instead they are in concert with each other and keep me balanced as to how I perceive my reality. It is as if I am separated from myself on a higher plane in guiding my life yet subject to my thoughts and emotions without direction. It is a pleasant arrangement that exists within and without me and I fully embrace this concept.

I need to know more (#804)

I am smiling at myself over this title. I am like a persistent gnat that won't go away! Whatever it is within me, likely my natural spirit for living, is not allowing me to stop caring about knowing. I am not satisfied with attaining a place of comfort for the purpose of being still. I have too much energy in my mind to ever just stop and live in a static reality. I am not wired that way internally. I have to know things. I suppose I am fortunate in that way since I get to discover new ways of thinking and doing that I otherwise would have missed out on. I do love the fact that at least I understand that life is about experiences and not about just eating and breathing to survive. Perhaps we all are of this same natural spirit but somehow or someway we were diverted from the innocence of discovery by forces unkind. I tend to think so. Life is just too full of mystery and opportunity for learning, for anyone not to want to embrace their own personal curiosity. I write about these inner personal observations I have solely so that by my talking about them specifically, an open dialogue within others may occur. In other words, sometimes I can trigger thoughts in others they might have had a hard time putting into words themselves. A somewhat public service provider. lol. More so though I am working through my own confusion to get to a necessary point of clarity that helps me to define what I am struggling with. I know I need to know more and that my nature demands it from me but what I don't know is why others find that knowing more is a waste of time. Like they have reached a level of understanding that they wish not to move beyond. I do not let this perplex me instead I am thankful that I see what I need and do it. I will continue to advocate for curiosity and hope that my example will be of some use to any others.

Finding peace within me (#803)

What a long strange trip it has been. I know that I was not raised with peace as the central principle within my life. I was raised in a large family where resources were slim. Competition was my guiding principle. I had to fight for what little there was that I needed or wanted. It is this upbringing now that I survived, which was dicey to say the least, that has been my solid ground to view my life. There was no illusion as to what my choices were as a young child and then teenager. I could have, should have or would have done things differently except that practically, that was no option. How and what I did back then was my reality and I chose the best of it as well as I could. Having said that, my decisions have helped shape me into who I am today. I am a man who could have been like this way back when if my opportunities had been more abundant. Today I fight hard for opportunities for all of us because of what I lived through and experienced. It is not any different whom I fight for as long as the fighting is for more opportunities. No one should have to come into existence with an automatic disadvantage placed on them by us. We are given this existence to make of it something that is worthy of our humanity. It is my contention that as a purpose for all of us is this very ideal of making our world an abundance of opportunity while eliminating inopportune scenarios. What has this to do with finding peace? It is simple in that when we have ways to understand and explore our world and our thoughts within it, without being frustrated by barriers, we elevate to a place of peace that gives us an understanding of the concept of peace and allows us then to build on it. I have found peace despite my own personal struggles and sharing that peace in a way that perpetuates it is one of my ultimate goals.

Constantly evolving in an ever changing world (#802)

It would be remiss of me not to constantly be evaluating new information as to all subjects. A closed mind indicates an over-fed ego. Anyone who would let anyone else believe that they are the end to all ends on any subject, are just fooling themselves and some who would believe them. I am a proponent of the open mind and never really knowing everything about anything. Certainly I can be somewhat conclusive in some areas but, in my mind, never perfectly. Having this mindset of mine is just right for me since it allows me to handle hotly contested conversations and arguments with a sly sense of humor, since I understand that neither side is absolutely right. I get to have a Cheshire Cat sense of things which does meld into a humility for me. I am truly awestruck by the vastness of the universe and it's unbelievable intricacies. Nothing in this universe is static and for me to think that some thought I may have is a perfect answer or the only perfect answer is delusional on my part. I understand my niche in this existence. It is only to just exist. Now In that existence I can have a purpose and motivate myself toward that which, by the way, I do. I do not delude myself with fantastical thinking about how special I may be or how all of destiny is somehow wrapped around my existence. I am just another life who has the fortune to be born into a time where possibilities of thought and action are available. What happened before I became me, here in this time, or what will happen to me, after my time here, is all speculation. I prefer to face the challenges of this plane of existence and see what happens if another should be available. My best course of action is to be an educated human with a propensity to want to enjoy my life and help others enjoy theirs.

The unease of my soul (#801)

Yes, I am human and actually live a somewhat personal life. Today I have an unease within me that comes from my emotions. I am fighting a feeling that is overwhelming. I have safeguards though that I go to that help ease and eliminate most of the feeling. I ask myself what part do I actually have in what I am feeling? Did I place an expectation upon myself that is beyond anything I can control? The answer to both questions is yes. I know it, and in recognizing that I placed an expectation upon myself, I created my part in the unease I feel. I want what I think is to be, to be. Interesting that this kind of childish behaviour on my part is still with me after all these years. I know that time and actions outside of me are not my part to manipulate. I know this yet still allow my feelings to get hurt when time and place occur that is outside what I expect. I am just an ordinary soul, no different than any other ordinary soul and as such should not have great expectations that cannot come true by my will alone. I will always have my hope but that hope is not an expectation, it is a wish I hope to see come about. There cannot be any expectations attached to hope unless I plan on experiencing more unease in the reality that happens around me. Having said that aloud, or at least in print, I have managed to qualm the anxiety of a perceived, dashed expectation with a calmness that brings reality back to me where before assumptions and negative thoughts abounded. I can manage myself when I recognize feelings and the behaviour that follows. I always have a part in how I experience life and expectations are my biggest foe. If somehow I can just enjoy the ride of life without thinking or justifying some deserve I am due, my life would probably be what it has been meant to be all along. I am always still learning to be a better man.

No matter how heavy the burden (#800)

We do not get to choose the circumstances of our trials and struggles. Whatever form they reveal themselves in is the circumstance we must endure to stand our ground. Metaphorically, I do not go out looking to slay any dragons any more, but when the dragons come to my door, I damn sure rise up to the challenge. there is no principled act in my repertoire that is not worthy of my attention. This is how I am becoming the man I wish to be. I do not turn my back on a challenge despite it's importance. I face it because of it's importance. Every step in my life's journey has a purpose and none is insignificant. It is my sentinel purpose to remain vigilant and prepared for whatever moment my present and future reveal. I have no time for lackluster performances in my life. No time for selfish temptations that would deter me from my principled drive to be a better man. I only have time to carry my load with honor and dignity. I accept that as the gift it represents. My life and those honest souls around me will reflect the truth of my ever-in-progress nature to be better. An ethic of some sort must become attached to each of us in order for our world to improve. I know this and I am doing all I can to do my part. It means I must carry my burden no matter how easy or how difficult it may become. That part is not up to me. What is up to me is to be as prepared as I can be for whatever circumstance may present itself. There has never been a true and lasting blueprint for our individual lives. There are general ones and they can be found when searching for principles to live by. These principles can be found in every culture and community. It just takes an honest open guidance to find them. Once found the principles we find should never be let go despite any burden, that life or circumstances may thrust upon us.

Our need to be forgiven (#799)

Within all of us are thoughts and actions of which we are either proud or ashamed. This is not new to anyone and why I bring this up is to discuss how we deal with that reality. The part concerning pride needs little distinction but it does need some. With myself as an example, I find that those rare moments when I do feel a sense of pride in my thoughts and actions I am instantly self-congratulatory and given to high praise for myself. This is only a momentary event, because just as instantaneously I remember that I was mostly lucky and rarely duplicative of such feats. I then move directly to humility, which in my perfect world should have been the first stage of my rationalization of pride, instead of egoism. I am working on that and I am finding some success. The other half of this commentary focuses on the shame I feel when I reflect back on some of my past thoughts and actions. Now this paradigm is much more prevalent within me than the pride paradigm. I also have a way of dealing with shame and it involves a process of recognizing where the shameful thoughts and actions generated from and admitting to myself that I did choose those thoughts and actions I represented. In other words I see what I did and I take the blame for it. That is the first phase but now what is to be done with this uncomfortable scenario? I have been taught that asking for forgiveness of the thoughts and actions that brought about my shame is an acceptable process for relieving me of the guilt associated with the shame. How is that done? Mostly through some conversion to a religious based ideal. I have not chosen that path. Instead I have come to realize that what I need to do is forgive myself for my thoughts and actions and resolve myself to choose pathways that reflect pride in thoughts and actions instead of shame. I do not consider myself some unique being or a demigod of any sort, but I do have to live with myself and if I can forgive myself and resolve to be better, I have essentially found forgiveness on the back of improving my own life.

Deep down within me (#798)

Somewhere within me survives an attitude of determination that cannot be squelched. It seems I get enough unhappy or disappointing news to make anyone want to just give up trying and caring. I often feel the temptation to become base and disregard my regard for a better life. It is pessimism at it's greatest force. Somehow though I can find a sliver of optimism that grows into something much bigger. It comes from deep within me where the wrong and unjust cannot reach. the core of my soul is lit and will not be extinguished while I draw breath. I know this about myself and because of that I can always stop myself and reflect on the present and future with an open mindset. I also can plan out ahead somewhat because I know that I have a present and future that will have me in it one hundred percent. The magic of life will always have the best of me and until that day ends I will endure the worst of what can happen. I have my hope as well. Each of us has some type of hope that motivates and drives us toward it. Mine is something very personal to me and if ever attained would bring me much joy and happiness as a reward. I do not know why I have such energy to fight for the best in life but I do and even on darker days I can muster a fist or two. I really like who I am today because I am genuine. I do not face fear the same way any more. I recognize that fear will always be a part of my experience here in existence and facing it and walking through it is all I have to do to conquer it. With the knowledge of my enduring will to continue my path with the best of human principles as my guide, I have the means to not only survive but to effect positive change around me. None of this would exist for me if I had not found that I have a place within me that will not let me quit on life.

I am not your human (#797)

I am not your human, I am my own human. I bring this up so that we are all clear about how our society within this existence works. We have positions of authority that give privilege to some who use that privilege to make our lives better. It is a privilege extended by those of us who are not in position of authority. Let me explain authority so that we all have the same concept of it within our heads and hearts. Authority is an artificial elevation of responsibility. When we place someone in position of authority we are asking them to represent us and our vision for all of us. Our main goal is to better our lives to the constant changes and upheavals that occur through time. What authority is not can be summed up this way, authority is not a right of or acknowledgement to any idea that some humans are better than others. The trouble begins with those in positions of authority when they begin to accept that they are special and worthy of some things greater than the rest of us. Whenever egocentric values are used as the genesis of policy or outlook, we have a problem. For those who attain a position of authority, they are actually gaining a position of trust. That trust is given in faith that it will be honored. When I see authority manipulated for favor and/or ulterior motive, our trust that is given to those who have attained authority is being shamefully abused. if humility is not the driving force behind a human's desire to gain authority, we must never give it. I am surprised that some humans if not a majority of humans gaze on authority with awe. I am not one of those since I think that those in authority should be gazing back at the rest of us with that very same awe. Somehow the role reversal must be changed back to it's original intent. We are not humans who would subject ourselves to each other, instead we are humans who would gladly serve each other in order to advance the quality of life we currently possess.

Where there is a will there is a way (#796)

I have heard this so many times in my life, whether directly or in some other similar expression. It is true by the way, since most sincere wilful acts are born out of some injustice or attempt to improve the status quo. I am one of those who has faith that when a good or better way is available it should be explored. I am also one of those who, if girded with strong conviction and a desire to see a new way to do things implemented, will put forth an effort toward change. Where there is a will there is a way is like "never give up" if something is so right or powerfully felt that the alternative to it is unthinkable, then it is unthinkable not to find a way to change it. I have occasionally been moved by certain paradigms of change and have allowed myself the courtesy of going with that flow. There is a subtle peacefulness to allowing my convictions to come to the forefront of my actions. I am also one who is prone to sensing my own personal feelings about subjects of interest and staying true to those feelings has become a way of life for me now. If I remain ever vigilant a way will expose itself to me through all of the confusion and dead ends. I am confident in the wisdom I am occasionally given to see the vision of my hope for a better future. In all of the chaotic maneuverings of society and policies we erect to help us commune with each other, there still remains a light at the end of the tunnel where a path opens up for me and all I have to do is walk it. it seems that the older I get the more I realize how important it is for me to understand every thought I have and action I take. The importance is revealed in how I am able to perceive life around me and how I can envision better days. I have wasted forlorn days of inconsequence and have missed out on opportunities to find a will to a way in the past, but the present and future hold a better perspective for me.

My role and it's affect (#795)

I am Carl Clark and as such I am expected, by myself, to do and say certain things of importance and value. I have a role in society and my circle of acquaintances to fulfil and fulfil it I will. For many years I abdicated my role out of some sense of rebellion or denial of purpose for myself. I wanted nothing to do with protocol or duty as defined by past and present circumstances. How unfortunate for me to have held such a low opinion of the life/time continuum. I take full blame for my misguided behaviour based upon incomplete logic. In fact, I can actually say that I was arrogant enough to condescend to logic! How absurd of me and my petty little mind! I am through with that type of irrational thinking and have discovered that the man whom I wish to be has time left to exist. This man of my thoughts whom I have always hoped to emulate has been silently waiting to appear and I have given the time and energy to helping that man exist as I should. My time for rational and caring thought has arrived none too late. If anything, I have such a value placed upon my role within society that it cannot be wavered by any temptation or silent and/or overt threat. As aberrant as I have been in the past I am completely reversed in direction toward common sense and logical understanding. No more am I a reed in the wind, blown from side to side. I am instead a tree with roots firmly planted in my nature and a stalwart and bulwark example of wresting my role from ambivalence to return it to it's rightful owner. I have a role and my life will henceforth reflect that role I was destined to play.

I have choices (#794)

I am sitting here at my desk wondering whether I should let fear run my new day or shall I just be happy with whatever comes my way. Decisions, decisions. That is right, I get to chose the outlook to my day. Now some extreme things may come along that change how I can feel but in an otherwise normal day I get to decide how I want to feel about it. The reason why is because I am alive and just being alive is a good thing. So I have a foundation to work off of. Since I am the one who lives within me I do have control over me. The circumstances of my life also have some control over me and they are the things that I am battling against in how I let myself feel about how I am feeling about every moment. My first thought just sitting here this morning was the overwhelming feeling of the things I must confront today and how daunting they may be. My immediate second thought was a happy thought about the things I get to do today and how wonderful it is to have a purpose about things that I get to do. Two thoughts and two outlooks. Of course I choose to live in the latter scenario and enjoy my day as opposed to living in the former scenario and enduring a fear-based reality. My mind is the key to my outlook. I must never forget that no matter what my circumstances are I am still ahead of the "game" because I am alive. I don't look at life as a game but I also know that there are rules within existence and how I live within those rules is important. Even with rules that guide and force me into decisions that are difficult and hard to navigate, I am still left with a choice about how I manage my thoughts and actions within them. Regardless of the nature of my destiny, I am still the one who, in the present, decides the course of that destiny and the eventual quality of who I am and what I do.

Unlocking our humanness (#793)

We have to work at being human. It does not just happen while we are busy doing whatever else we think is more important. I have to look within myself and discover what it is about me that defines me. Nothing else! Once I have concluded who I am I then get to implement that ideal within my daily thoughts and actions. It is work to bring about who I am and because I didn't work at it I have become so many other things simply through default and false sense. These behaviours, that are truly not me, have been reflecting back to others the illusion of who I am not for so long that I do not even know I am doing it. That is why I have to work at reflecting out to others the real me. To do that I must know who I am and start to act like that person. Everyday I get closer to being the me I really am but I often lose sight through distraction and laziness. I can do better and I really do try to but I still fail. Not as much as before I made a concerted effort to become my real self but still to some lesser degree. The idea that if we just coast through life we are being who we really are is a lie. Everything about us requires us to fight for our survival, learn to get better and share our feelings whether they are needed or not. Nothing is just natural for humans. We are constantly in a state of change and therefore if we are not in the motion of change we are falling back to something we are not. This is the great work of our lives, to stay ready to acknowledge our unique capabilities to adapt to time as it moves forward. In order to do that we must know who we are and build a foundation around that. That will enable us the strength to recognize change around us and how it affects our core one way or another. We must first define ourselves to ourselves individually and be prepared for any eventuality.

Opening up (#792)

It is not easy for me to ask for help in any form. In my mind I feel like I am a failure for asking. Now I know that when I think that way it exposes another problem I have, namely thinking I am all of that plus some. lol. But really, it is as if I am not able to care for myself when I know I should be able to. I am a big strong, self willed man and not being able to handle small details in my life seems to go against my personality. I love writing this daily blog, it yet again exposes some character defect that has been, by default, running my mindset and actions. I am learning to delegate my life out to others so that they can share in it with me. I am always ready for others to ask me for help but I have trouble asking for help myself. When I can fully see that asking for help is not a inferior quality but just a normal aspect of living in a complicated world, I will have finally arrived at the place I need to be. Until then I am struggling to overcome previous behaviour. I want my life to be an open book, without feeling like I am not worthy or greater than. Just right in the middle where everyone else is. The difficulty is my mind and how I think others will perceive me. I will get where I need to be when I let go of the fear I have that somehow I am not like everyone else. I am like everyone else, full of unknowns and just trying to do my best. I am not always successful at doing my best but it is what I strive for. The unknowns will always be there and knowing all of them is really well beyond me. So today and everyday going forward I get to open up to others when I need to and be there for them when they need me. I will always try to attain what I need first but if I need help I will ask for it regardless of whether It makes me feel inferior.

Shattering illusions (#791)

The myth that nothing can be done about a thing is slowly being shattered. There are some things which of course cannot be changed, like turning dirt into butter. However we do have the ability to change the status quo of our society by not accepting premises that are fallacious. Often we are told by others that a thing cannot change and acceptance of the not being able to change is the only recourse. Our society has been built on certain assumptions masked in questionable validation and unequal tradition. These are the changes I am referring toward. The concept of maintaining a status quo because of fear associated with change is a well manipulated strategy. Fear is often used to maintain advantages achieved through ulterior or unfair practices. Many of our unnatural instincts such as greed have proven to be huge obstacles to us in attempting to change our society toward egalitarianism. Of course there are those few who do not believe in equality and would continue to classify lives into categories that limited opportunities based upon calculations of inferiority. These few who justify this type of reasoning are the ones who are somewhat successful at stemming the tide of the majority of us who wish to see our society evolve toward respect at a baseline for all of us. How they are able to manipulate through fear is indicative of just how fragile the psyche of most of us are. We would just as soon keep what little limited opportunities we have instead of standing up and demanding a full consensus toward change. As if losing what we have now is not worth the "gamble" it would be to demand a more equitable society. Society is malleable and can be whatever we honestly can envision. For us to be under the illusion that there is only one way for society to function is a greatly perpetrated myth that needs to be exposed for it's illogic and harm.