(#6231) None of us has to validate our existence

      When I was younger I saw so much drama around me and couldn't relate to the mental and physical experience of it. I knew pain and suffering but not the kind that hit directly home in my life. Like when my biological father died when I was 6 it didn't seem to be real. I just kept moving forward in my life as if it never happened. He didn't live with us so it was a bit easier. But later when President Kennedy was assassinated I started to feel the sorrow and loss as a beginning justification that my life was starting to round out on emotion and thought. Yet it never really felt like my life was included in the drama around me. It was like I was living outside society while being smack dab inside it.
     I saw others deal with loss close to them and how their behavior and perspective changed. It was like seeing a different person from the one I knew. Again, like I wasn't part of the world I lived in. Not until drama and chaos entered my life did I understand that the validation I was looking for was an illusion, a temporary state that settled in for a while and then left after some time. It is weird writing about it now in that it was a longing to be part of some despair so as not to be left behind. To experience a maturing in essence to move beyond the innocence I was surrounded by. Funny that way of thinking then as I would now want none of the drama and chaos, only the innocence.
     Yet life is a strange experience as a human being. We spend most of our time inside our heads basically talking to ourselves. I laugh at myself a lot of the time now as that talking to myself really never goes away. So I play and have fun when inside my head ever mindful that I don't need validation, only opportunity to exist for as long as fate will have me. When I am not joking with myself I am thinking of ways to better life in the bigger picture. The joking inside my head comes out in words and is for the immediate and those around me who now know I can self deprecate with the best of them as a tool to enjoy the company around me. What the many don't know though is that my funny bone masks a deep passion for all of us that is never out of touch with searching for solutions for all that ails us.