My life seems like a series of snapshots in time. Instead of remembering the constant flow of events I instead fall to the lazy process of just linking my memories to events that are more unforgettable as long as they are not too disturbing to my sanity. I am not too unusual in this method of categorizing my thought and memory milestones of a sort in order to rekindle, for the most part, my experiences. Again, lazy. Instead of keeping a record flowing like I should have I didn't know to train myself at a young age to give myself that opportunity. Instead I just figured I would remember everything. Well all these years later I am not remembering things as they were in their real time.
So my default snapshot method is the best I can do and it makes me uncomfortable because I expect more from myself. That line about we individuals being our own worst critics could not be more true with me anyway. I have failed myself in so many ways that my mind won't let me remember them all. Maybe that is one reason why I didn't force myself at an early age to keep a better memory record of my life. We all make mistakes and do things we know we shouldn't have. That is the learning curve we all live with as I am sure we all tell ourselves. As we learn from experience we hopefully adjust our allowances to conform to our new insights. Yet the processes we initially employed get lost in the new recalibration of our character and behavior.
In other words we forget what we were in order to become what we are now. However to me that is not how my memories should work. I still have those memories but they are harder to access given my embarrassment and/or shame of them and also them no further being a utility. My whole life has been me living it regardless of all outside influence and motion. I have existed as just me and me knowing me from wake through sleep is to me my duty to keep a record of for no other reason than my own ability to distinguish reality from fantasy. How we are given advice to exist is a failing on our part as a species to date. We do keep ourselves in a somewhat comfortable survival mode but that is beginner stuff. Not the stuff of greatness that all of us are capable of expanding.
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