Some things in life have such importance to me that I can never let my guard down when possible conflict with them has come about. There are a few decisions I have made, choices that are at the level of sacred, that require my vigilance in maintaining. I cannot just put my choices on cruise-control and expect them to stay intact without me defending them with a captive awareness. From the person I had allowed myself to be, to the person I have become, there was some great movement in my own personal behavior. The transition from then to today is complete, however the allure of going back is always one choice away. No matter how determined I may be in my mind, it is my thoughts and actions that are the weak link to breaking the chain, as it were. So what I do today, when the circumstances get edgy and attractive, is to plan out my time with sensitivity to all the worst case scenarios I am able to logically consider. I will not allow myself to live in an antiseptic world, nor will I allow myself free run in a chaotic one either. therefore, a balance needs to struck between what I am able to participate in and what I should not. Only I know my story and the history of it and only I can be objective about where I do draw a line in the sand as an example of what behavior and situations are appropriate for me. I will say this here and now, my battle with being me is the only factor I consider when deciding what is best for me. I have no opinion, nor should anyone else, on the value of what others do with their own battles to maintain their own personal integrity. Life is fun and should be experienced in a fun way as often as possible, yet knowing where the fun ends, and choices that devalue my integrity begins, is the tension I am in constant vigil over.
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