Has it all just become a blur? Can we even distinguish the emotions we feel inside us? Truth be told I have become hard to some of my feelings. I cannot say with certainty that what I am feeling isn't being blocked by me out of some sort of survival technique. I guess the better question would be "do I really want to feel what is real." Have I so bought into a system that doesn't honor my own senses? I can admit that yes, I have sold a part of me for some illusion that, upon close inspection, defines my character as flawed. Why did I let this happen? I know the how, when, where of it but why? The simple answer is that I gave up on myself in order to acquiesce to conformity. I had to conform as a greater ideal than to be real and feel what I feel about whatever it is that happens in life. I too joined the ranks of the cynical who placed a greater priority on the acceptable expressions of the day. I sold out! Damn me! One thing I have learned over time is that nothing is worth me being anything but myself. Yet here I am confronted with the knowledge that I care less about what I feel and more about what others think I should feel. That is cowardice and surrender. I am not a complete sell-out but I am enough of one to admit it. How do I feel, that will never be the same with me after today. I won't let convention and expectation ever rule me like I have allowed it to do in the past. I get to be me and being me is a good thing. I know me and I can tell you right now that being me is a positive force in life. I will share what I feel when appropriate and it will be real. Not the fake, phony me that goes along with the crowd because it is popular or expected, but the me that actually relates the honest understanding of how I actually feel. :)
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