(#5760) Even in disaster evolution happens

      As I sit here 3 plus days later I still feel numb. Which to me is still processing even though I am going nowhere. Numbness is what I have to go through to get to something else that involves me feeling like I have been gutted like a fish ready to be thrown on the flame. Where all my emotions reside, my guts, is what has to begin again from the eviscerating gut punch that will then become a void. In some amount of time I will start to feel somewhat normal again with a new resolve bolstered by the axiom that whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I have been here before. Several times actually. In 2016 I went through this in a most similar way. Other times earlier in my life as well with personal relationships that absolutely caught me off guard.
     So I know this emotional phenomenon. Although I am older, I am more seasoned with experience. Which should make passing through this transition much more understandable. Yet it is the disappointment that doesn't change in intensity. But I am no novice so I will evolve to come out of this with a renewed vigor to live life with the correct principles and honorable deeds I expect from myself. In the meantime I am going through what I need to do. This numbness is at least a calm place. I know I tell myself that I should just stop caring about this existence with a naive innocence, but I don't. Because the lens of innocence is where real maturity and wisdom is revealed.
     Those who say that reality is harsh and cruel are the ones who have resolved themselves to it or are its architects. I am not one of those. I want a smile on my face and to do no harm. How hard does that sound to do? How correct does that feel to live like that? But existence does not bend to my perspective so I must endure the realities that affect me and how they make me feel. Like right now, numb! I will not surrender to those who have allowed the worst of who we are to define us. I will not allow those who cannot imagine to create what the many of us know is possible. In time I will grow into a new man with guts that fully function again. But for now I am of little use until I am back to being the best of me.