(#5056) The sentimentality of our pasts

      A thought occurs to me about how I have lived my life with the notion of trying to explain it. The thought is jumbled because I cannot put myself into any consistent pattern that would allow for easy understanding. I have made mistakes and I have had successes. But to define my path is not easy for me. I am for the most part a good person by nature. I like to smile and share laughs. So in many senses I am an optimist. Even when the dark days of "what the fuck is happening around me" I still find a way to see the silver lining. I suppose I have an enduring spirit that will not quit easily. I am not perfect but surely I try to be much better than worse.
     The trouble with my thoughts at times is that they are not on a timeline that is simple. They jump around from different eras of my past. Like they try to categorize themselves with like memories from different eras of my life instead of staying in the same time frame. I often think of myself as a data processing organic being with probes to accumulate knowledge, a heart to care, and a mind to reason, analyze, and conclude with. But my computer like brain is not a consistent one, not faulty per se, but not altogether wired for brilliance. I do have moments but far and few between. Yet I seem to be able to remember and understand my actions and the consequences of them well enough.
     I also suppose that I am only having this reflective moment because I am getting older and nostalgia is dominating my present. I wish I could remember better all the actions of my life but when I can't I can rest assured that most of them were honorable and principled. But not all because when I was first starting out my life I was dependent and addicted to activities and events that were beyond my ability to control. I made my youthful mistakes and learned from them. Since those formative years my life is much less tumultuous and chaotic. Over time, good character and respect for others have been my companions and for that I and those who are in my life are grateful.